Skip to main content


Showing posts from 2006

The Sword Of Justice Has No Scabbard

White House spokesman Tony Snow said that today is a “good day.” That’s the understatement of the year, Mr. Snow. Today is a magnificent day. You know why? I’ll give you a hint: It involves Saddam Hussein.

Earlier, Saddam was sentenced to death by hanging for his role in the execution of 148 innocent Shiite Muslims in 1982. After a mandatory process in which nine judges examine the trial proceedings, and (hopefully) uphold the verdict, The Butcher of Baghdad will be swinging from the gallows in just one month’s time. He demanded a firing squad carry out the sentence, but I suppose he’s no longer in a position to make such requests.

But that’s not why it’s such a great day.

Iraqis took to the streets, cheering and celebrating that after a quarter of a century, justice has finally been handed down to their oppressive, tyrannical tormentor. One Iraqi citizen was quoted as saying that this is an “unprecedented feeling of happiness…nothing matches it, no festival nor marriage nor birth.”

But t…

Valannin's Breviloquent Rhetoric, Take 1

Being over a month since my last post, I felt it would behoove me to write a little something this morning. Partly because I enjoy writing, and partly so the 11 people who read my invective-laced tirades would not think I had finally succumbed to my diet of rare steak, Belgian beer and cigarettes. No, I am very much alive. Corporeally, anyway. My spirit, on the other hand, is another matter. I’d probably be able to better face the soul-crushing disappointments of life if I didn’t have to deal with the gnat-like annoyances that swarm around me on a daily basis. So I’ve decided to write a series of open letters to the people and groups who need to cease and desist all efforts to make my everyday existence as miserable as possible.

Dear Apple Computers: Stop telling me how much better than my PC your little toys are. They’re not. Macintosh are to computers as Hyundais are to automobiles. In fact, by using that smarmy little hipster guy with the wrinkled clothing in your commercials, you a…

October Awaits...

You know what? Fuck the camel-riding hate-mongers and their unbridled, tyrannical acrimony. Fuck their empty threats, their archaic grudges, and every syllable of venom which drips from their uncivilized maws. You can't suppress my feelings of joy, my notion of nationalism, my pride. Not tonight.


Because the Mets just clinched the National League East Division Title with a shutout over the Florida Marlins. For that reason alone I am honored and blessed to be a New Yorker and an American .

It is indeed a glorious evening. Thank you Steve, thank you Jose, thank you Willie.

One more month, and we're gonna party like it's 1986.

Eyes Front, Pencils Ready

Since I’ve been busy dealing with the first two weeks of the school year and haven’t posted in awhile, I thought I would re-emerge with a quick lesson on the fundamentals of logic.

Pay attention kids; there might be a quiz.

On Tuesday, in a speech to German university professors, The Pope quoted a manuscript written in 1391 by Byzantine emperor Manuel II Paleologus in which he says:

“Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.”

The Muslim community is outraged that the Pope would quote something that was written 615 years ago that would dare to characterize followers of Islam as “barbaric” and “uncivilized” so they respond by:

1) Attacking one Anglican, two Greek Orthodox and two Catholic Churches in the West Bank and Gaza using gunfire, firebombs and lighter fluid.
2) Shooting a nun to death in Somalia.
3) Threatening the Vatican with a suicide attack.
4) Addressing th…

History Repeats Itself, First As Tragedy, Second As Farce

To pick up from the last post in which it was revealed that Turner Broadcasting would begin censoring thousands of hours of classic cartoons to placate the six people in the world who actually take umbrage at having to watch an animated bulldog smoke a stogie. Scott points out in a response (in which he never cursed even once) that this is not an isolated incident, and our country is dangerously doomed to repeat our mistakes because instead of attempting to learn from them, we close our eyes and wish that they never happened. So, here’s my own tangential response.

History, as Alex Haley has said, is written by the winners. Make perfect sense to me; why would the conquered people make notes on their own failures? They can try to spin it to their advantage, so they come out of the event looking less bruised, but the fact of the matter is, for example, both the Roman and Aztec Empires fell. And we know why the Aztec and the Roman civilizations fell, and there’s not much we can do about ei…

Bob's Your Uncle, Have A Fag

AOL / Time Warner / HBO / Cinemax / People Magazine / DC Comics / CNN / Turner Broadcasting decided this week that it was finished buying up every conceivable media outlet, and would instead concentrate on de-magnetizing the moral compass of the planet. Turner Broadcasting, who owns the rights to Hanna-Barbera cartoons, including Tom and Jerry, The Flintstones and Scooby-Doo, has decided to hunt through more than over 1500 scenes of the classic cartoons and edit out any which “glamorized smoking.”

According to the original complaint, which was directed to a British media watchdog, Turner has “proposed editing any scenes or references in the series where smoking appeared to be condoned, acceptable, glamorized or where it might encourage imitation.”

The spokesperson for Turner Europe, Yinka Akindele, was quoted as saying, “Our audience is children and we don’t want to be irresponsible.”

You don’t want to be irresponsible. So you will edit out scenes of a cartoon cat rolling a cigarette. Ju…

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

In addition to large cutting weapons, empty scotch bottles, stuffed anteaters, and espresso spoons that I have stolen from various foreign locations, I am also an avid collector of information. And not just academic information, like the life-cycle of the Peruvian Red-Bellied Humming Turtle, but honest to goodness, completely pointless and trivial bits of esoterica. For instance, did you know that in America, 12 people a day die while sitting on the toilet? It’s true. Also, were you aware that the Christian holiday “Easter” is actually based on Eostre, an Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring whose feastday just so happens to correspond with the Vernal Equinox? Again, true! Additionally, Jackie Robinson was NOT the first black major league baseball player; that honor goes to Moses Fleetwood Walker, who played center field for the Toledo Blue Stockings in 1884. Robinson was the first black player of the modern age to sign a formal contract. Coincidentally, Jackie Robinson’s uniform num…

I Can't Put My Arms Down...

Welcome to the inaugural episode of The Pantheon Outcast’s Panoply of Science! We were going to call it “Science For The Brainwashed Masses,” but that title just didn’t play well in the Red States. In this week’s program we will examine a crippling disease that affects one in every ten adults who at some point during the day sit in chairs. Joining us today is the renowned German Physician, Doctor Friedrich Lügner, self-proclaimed expert on everything biological and recent recipient of the French Medallion D’or De L’Homme De Guerre.

First off, let me begin by saying that Americans are obsessed with “syndromes.” While attempting to watch the Home and Garden network for some informative tips on how to use candles in order to make my apartment look as homosexual as possible, I was forced to watch no less than 11 commercials for a drug called Requip. Apparently it is a groundbreaking new drug from GlaxoSmithKline, (the makers of Wellbutrin), to alleviate the crippling onset of a disease tha…

Rock and Roll, And A Little Bit Country

In response to yesterday’s post, Scott writes, (among other things):

…I read a Thomas Friedman article a long time ago that basically said to shut the borders to any Middle Eastern country until they've cleaned up the mess that is spilling over from their bastardized religion. I don't for a second believe that Islam is evil, but it is being used by bad men as an excuse to perform it, and to motivate impoverished and hopeless people to join ranks…

…This thwarted attack will be a boon to supporters of national security, and should turn the tides back toward Republican candidates.

Scott, you’ve just described all religions, my friend. Although, in the case of Christianity, replace “bad men” with “people in Kansas who bake pies.” And although I’m not familiar with the Friedman article, I am 100% behind his position. I know we’ve been conditioned to unquestioningly accept the world’s “tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” however those statements 1) happen to be m…

Seeing Red

Keeping it brief because I have to go oil my firearms and buy some duct tape, British authorities report today that they have "foiled" a plot by suspected Al-Qaida terrorists to blow up as many as 10 US airliners. You can read the story here, or continue perusing my acerbic assessment of the situation.

Good choice. In any case, conspiracy theories aside, this looks, according to US sources, to be “the real deal”. At the core of this investigation was the discovery that terrorists were planning on using “liquid explosives” as they simultaneously detonated multiple aircraft originating from Heathrow Airport. In response, British officials have banned all personal electronics, hand carried luggage (good news, people from Uganda, you can still transport wicker baskets on your head, apparently), and all liquids from all flights for the foreseeable future.

Quite chilling, and my hat is off to law enforcement personnel here and across the pond for thwarting this attack.


What a…

Money For Nothing And Your Kicks For Free

As I was tooling around the net today, checking real estate trends in Queens, NY, I stumbled upon this Co-op for sale in Jamaica Estates. Go ahead, take a look, and examine all of the pictures. I pride myself on my keen eye for details, and thus, I can tell the following things about the current owner evidence of this Co-op:

1) He’s a “minority” of some kind, most likely Black. Evidenced by the outrageously enormous painting of some Nubian queen hanging over the headboard. Plus the fact that the apartment is in Jamaica, a neighborhood consisting of a 25% Black, a 28% Hispanic and a 16% “other” population.

2) There is more than one adult person living in this apartment. Evidenced by the two toothbrushes and two robes hanging in the bathroom. To be fair, one of the toothbrushes looks a little smaller than the other, so it could just be one guy and one kid. But not likely.

3) These people have a child. Evidenced by the pictures, the teddy bear and the Hello Kitty cushion on the stool in the…

Shorter Of Breath And One Day Closer To Death

Just a quick shout out to the following people celebrating their birthday today, or, owing to the fact that they may be dead, are having people celebrate it for them:

Percy Bysshe Shelley: Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!

Louis Armstrong: Satchmo, baby. I done forgot the words.

Lady Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon (AKA Queen Elizabeth)

Knut Hamsun: When good befalls a man he calls it Providence, when evil, fate.

Richard Belzer: You know, Det. John Munch from SVU!

Hon. Alberto R. Gonzales: I bet more people know who John Munch is.

Roger "The Rocket" Clemens: 341-172 W-L record, 4502 Strikeouts, Lifetime ERA 3.12

Billy Bob Thornton: Not funny 'ha-ha', funny queer.

And of course, Yours Truly: Raconteur, Blackguard, Iconoclast. Lifetime ERA 3.99

In Lieu of cards, socks, and Precious Moments Figurines, please send cash.

If anyone would like to join in the festivities, I'll be at Croxley Ales in Rockville Center downing a few single malts.


Back Of My Neck Feelin' Dirty And Gritty

As I walked outside today to go shopping, I could swear that I dropped 11 pounds through water loss covering the distance from the front entrance of my building to my car. The asphalt in the store's parking lot had melted to the point that the shopping carts had sunk at least a half an inch into the macadam. The “frozen prepared entrees” case had become a haven of refuge for elderly people attempting to find some respite from the heat. By the time I made it back to my apartment, my clothes were dripping with sweat, and since it was too hot to cook, I ate a bowl of ice cream and two Sam Adams Summer Ales for dinner. It's hot. Damn hot. But you know what, it’s August and I expect that. I also expect it to be cold in February. That's how temperate climate zones work.

But you'd think this was a unique and mystifing phenomenon if you turn on the news. Every station, (cable or network), every newspaper, and every internet news site feels the need to devote an unrealistic perc…

How Dry I Am

It seems as though New York has finally gotten its head out of its phony moral ass. For years it was impossible to buy alcoholic beverages before noon on Sundays, and now, lawmakers in Albany have decided that as of July 30, 2006, that law will be replaced by one authorizing beer sales as early as 8 AM.

Just how did this travesty of justice come about? Well, it was once decided that it was depraved to drink alcohol, read, talk loudly, scratch yourself and other sundry activities on “the Lord’s day.” No, no, not in this moral land! So, starting around the 1600’s in Connecticut, laws were passed to keep people on the straight and narrow path, at least on Sunday mornings. Violators were heavily fined, and sometimes even whipped and beaten. While detractors of the law might cry that the government was “legislating morality,” the truth is, as many truths are, economic in nature. If people were at home or in the bar on Sunday mornings getting soused, that meant that they weren’t in Church ge…

Pander Me Out To The Ball Game

You know, as much of a baseball fan as I am, I’ve never gone to Cooperstown to visit the Baseball Hall of Fame.

And now, I never will.

And why? Because it’s become a sham. Yet another political staging area for concessions, indulgences, and special dispensations. Is there nothing sacred in this fading republic of ours that can weather the storm of politically correct “privileges” once afforded to only the worthy?

In case you’re not a baseball fan (or are just a bloody moron who doesn’t know that such a thing exists), the National Baseball Hall of Fame is a repository and museum for the players, coaches and other assorted personnel that have made either positive or exceptional contributions to the game of baseball.

In order to be considered for the HOF, eligible candidates are required to garner at least 75% of the votes on ballots cast by the Baseball Writers Association of America. The process is a little more complicated than that, and I won’t bother to reproduce it all, but if you c…

I'm Shocked...Shocked!

I came across this while doing some research for a much longer upcoming article, and felt that I had to at least make a passing reference to it. It must be important because it was right there on Google News’ front page. A member of a “boy band” is homosexual? Wow, watch out Woodward and Bernstein – what a scoop!

The entire country (save for those with IQ's larger than the size of their television screens) was floored by the announcement that Lance Bass, a member of the 1990's semi-successful teeny-bopper musical group “N’Sync” (note the creative, hip spelling), a band akin to Menudo, just lacking in the musical talent department, decided to come out of the closet.

I’m glad that the media is there to keep us apprised of every obvious and insignificant development in the lives of washed-up pseudo-celebrities. Next they’ll be telling us that Michael Jackson likes little boys or Barry Bonds takes steroids, or that Scientology is merely a scam committed to bilking idiots out…

My Only Friend, The End

Bless me Father for I have sinned.

It has been 77 days since my last post.

Why? Many reasons. Not in the least of which has anything to do with me not having anything to say. That’s just the problem; I’ve too much.

And quite frankly, I think I’m wasting both my time and bandwidth.

Look, Freud once said that 90% of the people of this world “just don’t get it.” Although I’m sure he said it in German. And I’ve always considered myself one of the blessed 10% who do “get it”. I’ve read countless pieces of literature, traveled to a dozen countries and twice as many American states, I’ve sat on the Great Pyramid and shook hands with the Pope (more like waved from a distance, actually, but close enough) I hold multiple degrees from three separate Universities in English Literature and Education, I studied painting in Venice and archeology in Egypt, I can speak two and a half languages (Spanish is just Italian spoken incorrectly), read in four and curse you to the ends of the earth in six, I can t…

Celebrate Cinco De Mayo By Going Home!

For all those out there who are marching, protesting, and otherwise creating a public nuisance in NY, LA, and various other cities across America, and are not currently of Hispanic heritage (I realize that immigrants come from all countries, but Hispanics make up the largest percentage), let me attempt to crush some of the pervasive myths and arguments surrounding the current immigration debate:

Argument #1: “America is a country of immigrants.”

This is by far the lamest and most insidious argument from the pro-immigration front. By appealing to less-educated people’s emotional (read: not logical) state of mind, this argument attempts to curry favor by ignoring history. Sure, America was built and developed my immigrants, but NOT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS. The immigrants of the early 20th Century, you know, the ones who transformed this country from a dismal swampland of savages, abandoned their home countries with the dream of taking advantage of every opportunity The United States had to off…