Monday, September 18, 2006

October Awaits...

You know what? Fuck the camel-riding hate-mongers and their unbridled, tyrannical acrimony. Fuck their empty threats, their archaic grudges, and every syllable of venom which drips from their uncivilized maws. You can't suppress my feelings of joy, my notion of nationalism, my pride. Not tonight.

Why?

Because the Mets just clinched the National League East Division Title with a shutout over the Florida Marlins. For that reason alone I am honored and blessed to be a New Yorker and an American .

It is indeed a glorious evening. Thank you Steve, thank you Jose, thank you Willie.

One more month, and we're gonna party like it's 1986.


Saturday, September 16, 2006

Eyes Front, Pencils Ready

Since I’ve been busy dealing with the first two weeks of the school year and haven’t posted in awhile, I thought I would re-emerge with a quick lesson on the fundamentals of logic.

Pay attention kids; there might be a quiz.

On Tuesday, in a speech to German university professors, The Pope quoted a manuscript written in 1391 by Byzantine emperor Manuel II Paleologus in which he says:

“Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.”

The Muslim community is outraged that the Pope would quote something that was written 615 years ago that would dare to characterize followers of Islam as “barbaric” and “uncivilized” so they respond by:

1) Attacking one Anglican, two Greek Orthodox and two Catholic Churches in the West Bank and Gaza using gunfire, firebombs and lighter fluid.
2) Shooting a nun to death in Somalia.
3) Threatening the Vatican with a suicide attack.
4) Addressing the Pope as “you dog of Rome” while promising to “shake your thrones and break your crosses in your home,” by “sending you people who adore death as much as you adore life.”

Therefore, students, we can surmise the following:

Either there is no word for “Irony” or “Self-Fulfilling Prophesy” in Arabic, or

Not much has changed in 615 years.

In any case, the Muslim community’s reactions to a book written over half a millennium ago directly underscore how sadistic, ignorant, and vitriolic they are towards Western Civilization. Diversity? Tolerance? World Peace? Don’t count on it. If even one of these brainwashed troglodytes are left breathing to disseminate their bastardized, maniacal dogma, our planet will forever be left asphyxiating in a dark, fiery tarn of chaos and devastation.

Why is anyone bothering to tiptoe around these psychopaths? You draw a cartoon that places them in a unfavorable light, they protest and blow things up. A respected world leader reads a passage from an ancient text, they protest and blow things up. I bet that that if you hawked up some phlegm on to the ground and it bore a passing resemblance to Mohammed, some wild-eyed bearded yo-yo would declare a jihad on everyone with an upper-respiratory infection. Let's give it a rest already with the diplomacy, and bridge-building and the soft, placating speeches and launch some fucking Trident II's directly at the Kaaba Rock.

Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum.

Class dismissed. For homework, please define the words "Troglodyte," "Vitriolic," and "Tarn." And ask your parents to buy you a rifle. You're gonna need it.

Ah, it's good to be back...I bet you missed me...