Monday, July 17, 2006

My Only Friend, The End

Bless me Father for I have sinned.

It has been 77 days since my last post.

Why? Many reasons. Not in the least of which has anything to do with me not having anything to say. That’s just the problem; I’ve too much.

And quite frankly, I think I’m wasting both my time and bandwidth.

Look, Freud once said that 90% of the people of this world “just don’t get it.” Although I’m sure he said it in German. And I’ve always considered myself one of the blessed 10% who do “get it”. I’ve read countless pieces of literature, traveled to a dozen countries and twice as many American states, I’ve sat on the Great Pyramid and shook hands with the Pope (more like waved from a distance, actually, but close enough) I hold multiple degrees from three separate Universities in English Literature and Education, I studied painting in Venice and archeology in Egypt, I can speak two and a half languages (Spanish is just Italian spoken incorrectly), read in four and curse you to the ends of the earth in six, I can tell the difference between an Italian and an Elizabethan sonnet AND the difference between single malt and blended Whisky by the smell alone, (The Whiskey, not the sonnets. Sonnets don’t have an odor I’m aware of), I’ve had a play produced off-Broadway (off, off off. Like in a different ZIP code), I play guitar and bass and can muddle through a reasonably acceptable version of “November Rain” on the piano, and I can hold a conversation lasting for many hours (and many drinks) on every topic from international politics to the bioluminescence of creatures of the abyssal benthic zone to Hegelian philosophy.

I’m not saying I’m the quintessential Renaissance Man, but it’s not too bad for thirty years of life.

The problem is, that regardless of what I achieve, I feel that it is wasted on a population who is obsessed with the following:

1) Immediate, self-gratification
2) Popular Culture
3) Maintaining the status quo through indifference and / or complete lack of common sense.

So, from this point on I will not be posting articles on global terrorism, global warming, or some kid who got hit by a car in the Bronx. Why bother? The people who agree with me will continue to agree with me, and those who share an alternate view will continue to do so despite all evidence to the contrary. I share a kindred love of all that is logical with the 10% as well as a bitter loathing for the other 90%

My thoughts, my words are in vain. I realize this.

So instead, after today’s post, look for an entirely updated Pantheon Outcast, perhaps one that showcases a little more of my talents, and less of my frustrations.

That being said, it would dishearten loyal readers (all 11 of you) if I didn’t go out in my usual style (ie, caustic, acerbic, and judgmental), and present to you now a collection of biting, indicting, and all together exciting observations, platitudes and cold hard facts.

So sit back, pour yourself a drink, light up the carcinogenic drug of your choice and enjoy:

Valannin’s Semi-Complete Manifesto of Difficult to Accept, but Completely Honest Truths of Life. AKA, “Face ‘em now or rue them later”

Truth #1

There will never, ever ever, be “peace in the Middle East” short of a nuclear air strike. The Jewish people have absolutely no historic claim to Palestine outside of vague directives outlined in a 4000 year old book of fables written by half-demented, anti-establishment mystics. The longer Israel exists, the longer the fighting goes on AND, the longer the United States continues to support Israel, the more we will be drawn into their fanatical self-invented “conflict”. Eventually, the Muslims will win, because historically, they have been the more successful in this field. They conquered the European Crusaders and took the “Holy Land”, occupied Spain for 800 years, and effectively stole all of Asia Minor right out from under the Romans. Plus the fact that they are insanely brainwashed, breed like hamsters, and consider it an honor to die. The last time I checked, the Jews historically have not conquered anything, and whenever they offer up even the slightest bit of resistance, they are herded into ghettos and rounded up into train cars. The American people will ultimately suffer because of our illogical devotion to a dying race.

Truth #2

There is no such thing as “Global Warming.” It is a ruse designed, like all other ruses, to elevate the status of one group (in this case, hippy scientists) and to separate you from your money. The Earth’s climate, like all of its geology, works in an immense cycle, operating in time frames that we as humans cannot wrap our minds around. The scientific community has offered zero hard evidence that the global temperature is rising at anything other than an expected rate within normal parameters, and the skittish, selfish homo-sapiens that we are, latch onto the idea because 1) We’re easily fooled and 2) We hate the idea that our own personal space might somehow become uncomfortable. Tom Brokaw and Al Gore can make as many documentaries as they like, but they are flat out wrong. The only good thing that has come out of the discussion is the possibility of ending our dependence on Arab-controlled oil, but if hypocrites like Gore had let us drill in ANWR in the first place, we wouldn’t have had to sell our souls to the ululating tribes. He’s merely covering his tracks for being economically irresponsible. And speaking of economics, alternate-fuel research is not at the top of the list of priorities for automobile manufacturers simply because it would cut further into their profits than free-trade and NAFTA has ever done. It’s bad enough we allowed Japan to corner the market with tax-abatements and loosening of import tariffs, now we are forcing industries to pour billions into unnecessary research, something that in the business world would happen naturally anyway. They are corporations formed to make a profit, not make you feel good about yourself.

Truth #3

Blaming George Bush or the Republicans for any of the country’s ills is like blaming your gynecologist when your baby is born deformed and retarded even if, during your pregnancy, you smoked a pack of Winstons a day, drank like a fish, and ate nothing but McDonald’s cheeseburgers for nine months. Our “leaders” are neither good nor evil, but indicative of the people that elected them. Democracy does not work. Florida proved that. Anyone too stupid to figure out how to punch a hole in a piece of paper is not worthy in participating in the democratic process. Ditto goes for the people who can’t be bothered to learn the native language of the country they will presume to make decisions for. By the way, Bush-bashers, I realize that you never took political science in college, electing instead to take courses such as African-American Pottery and Homosexual Literature, but here’s some information for you. The President has very little direct power in American Government. Most of the power resides with the Supreme Court and Congress. You want to blame someone, blame O’Connor and Feinstein. These are the same idiots who voted down an anti-flag burning amendment. So now you can burn a flag with impunity, but not burn a cross. Oh, hypocrisy, thy name is America. Oh, and anyone who voted for or will vote for Hillary Clinton in the future should be hunted down and summarily executed. The only people dumber than Hillary supporters are those people who have kept Ted Kennedy in power for over 40 years.

Truth #4

Speaking of education, any degree program that contains the word “Studies” in it is an absolute waste of everyone’s time. African-American Studies. Women’s Studies. There’s even a degree program being offered at some universities called Queer Studies. People who hold degrees in those “fields” are directly responsible for all of the outsourcing going on recently. You want to study Queers? Hang out in Chelsea reading Truman Capote. How do you expect to positively influence the global community if you’re frittering your time away on your own little special interest groups? The problem with these groups is that their constant need for acceptance prevents them from accomplishing anything worthwhile. This is the 21st Century. No one really cares if you are black, female or homosexual. Keep your insecurities to yourself, study something productive that highlights your natural talents and go get a job in a field that will drag our country out of the economic miasma in which it has been floundering. And if you have no natural talents, and the only thing you have going for you is that you are black, female or gay, then go study a trade. We have enough non-profits, activist lawyers, and motivational speakers in this country. Go learn to fix a computer so we don’t have to keep paying someone in India to do it for us. You’re supposed to get an education so that you can contribute to the State and the world around you, not satisfy your selfish desires or shirk responsibility.

Truth #5

This is strictly for the American audience. Shut the doors and reclaim your birthright. Be proud of the fact that in a mere 200 years you and your kind managed to turn a land of swamps, rocky plains and wasteland into the greatest civilization that has ever existed. Americans do not need to constantly hear about the guilt they should be feeling for eradicating a few wandering tribes. They were not noble or strong. They lived in tents made out buffalo hides and worshipped trees. I’m sure they were nice people, but they were weak and even Manifest Destiny couldn’t hold a candle to the inherent superiority of the European culture, technology and above all, tenacity. If the Europeans had left them alone, they’d still be hunting elk with blowguns and sucking down peyote in their sweatlodges. That being said, its also time we shored up our borders. Contrary to popular belief, there is no need to have any more immigrants grace our land with their presence, least of all ones who have utterly failed at their own attempts at civilizations. Give us your engineers, biochemists and, yes, even your artists. You are truly worthy. But we’ll pick our own grapes and make our own beds, thank you. Besides, we don’t actually need immigrants for low-paying, high-labor jobs; we have enough “Studies” Majors to do it for us. And English should not only be the official language of America, it should be the only recognized one. Kudos to Gino’s in Philly for recognizing that. If you’d like to speak Spanish, move to Spain.

Truth #6

An open letter to all African-Americans (read: black people). I’ve got quite a few words of wisdom for you. It’s high time you chose a side. You’re not from Africa, you’re from Alabama, Tennessee, Detroit and The Bronx. You and everyone else need to give it a rest with the hyphens. Assimilate. We know you’re a different color, but that should be the only difference. Slavery ended 150 years ago -- get past it. Many, if not the majority of the world’s cultures have been slaves to another culture at some point in history, and they have let it live in history. Don’t let it become an excuse for your inability to succeed. You want to blame someone, look to your own camps. 50-Cent and the Wayans Brothers have done more to hinder Black achievement more than any plantation owner. 50 years ago, you had the best music. So good that White musicians “stole” it from you. What happened? How did you let it get like this? John Lee Hooker and Robert Johnson should rise from their graves, join with Aretha and gun down every last rap “artist” on the planet. Do you honestly think that rhyming about murder, drugs and bitches over a beat stolen from a 1970’s disco song is “art”? Besides, it’s not even your own anymore; the most successful rapper in the world is white. “Urban Culture” is a stone around your neck, and it’s dragging America down with you. Stop buying so many electronics for your car, overpriced sneakers and other pointless consumer products. White people are “rich” because they buy mutual funds and not spinning hubcaps. Besides, they make you look really, really foolish. And by the way, OJ did it, Michael Jackson did it, and Tupac deserved it. Find someone else to get behind.

Finally, some quick truths and advice I’ve learned over time:

If you take away the ability for a criminal to have a gun, he’ll stab you. Take way the knives, and he’ll mug you with a sharp stick. Put the criminals in jail, or better yet, kill them, and leave my guns alone.

Standardized tests are biased against the stupid. 65% should never be considered a passing grade.

More people in this country will die from breast, lung, and prostate cancer than died in the Holocaust. We need to stop subsidizing museums and start funding research.

AIDS is not an epidemic. It only affects illegal drug users and people with questionable sexual proclivities. I fail to see the problem.

If people who hijack planes are Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40, then the airports are jeopardizing national security by “randomly” searching 75-year-old white women in the name of “fairness”. If you lose your wallet in the bus station bathroom, don’t look for it in your neighbor’s vegetable garden.

If you put down your iPods and cell phones for a bit, you’ll notice a bit more about the world around you. They are tools and toys, not necessities.

People who pour coffee into cups at Starbucks are not “baristas.” They are minimum wage employees probably majoring in Post-Modern-South American-Literature Studies. Stop inventing labels for your menial life. And no, I’m not going to tip you.

The civil war between Religion and Science is coming, and Science will win. You can’t claim to be a rational human being and believe that our 6 billion year old planet was created in 6 days by an invisible man who made humans out of dirt and impregnated a virgin who eventually gave birth to a man who could walk on water and rise from the dead. You might as well believe in elves, minotaurs, dragons and driads. Faith is a nice thing to have, but try putting that faith in your innate human intelligence and wisdom. Leave the fantasy to Tolkien and let the educated teach the science classes in high school.

Some guy who wraps a tree in bright orange fabric is not an artist. He’s a con man. Same goes for a “magician” who holds his breath for a week. Stop being fooled, people. Hold your awe for people who truly deserve it.

And finally, I’d buy a ticket at hotel mini-bar prices to watch Dave Winfield beat Barry Bonds in the kneecaps with an aluminum softball bat at the Meadowlands until he admitted to a live audience that he took steroids.

Oh, and don’t leap into the East River at midnight to retrieve your book of poorly written poetry…

*Finis*

Valannin

3 Comments:

Blogger Moni said...

Man Val! Your prententiousness astounds me! It makes me hot, but it astounds me. I agree with so many things you've said and I disagree with so many others.

I won't get into them. You're only 30 years old?! Either you are a genius or a rich kid who got to tool around Europe bohemian style at mommy and daddy's expense. Nice work if you can get. It's hard to believe you're only 30 because you write with such maturity and you made a statement about JFK, not the junior once You stated that you didn't care for that pretty boy. That my friend was a comment that could have come straight out of my 60 year old mother's mouth. That's why it's difficult to believe.

But alas, poor Valinnin, we knew him well... Or maybe we never will according to his profile.

At any rate, "Will you marry me?" ****ah hahahahah!****

No seriously, I shall miss your acid posts. But I'm glad you haven't decided to stop blogging all together.

sliante,
Moni

Monday, July 17, 2006 6:46:00 PM  
Blogger Valannin said...

Certainly not a rich kid. If I were a rich kid, I'd have less credit card debt. And possibly a boat. Closer to Genius. And I'm mature because I'm actually a 647 year-old Viking Warrior trapped in the pasty body of an American cynic.

And because I keep my eyes open.

Marriage? You better have one hell of a dowry to pull me away from the scintillating bachelor lifestyle. Today I ate an entire bag of M&Ms. Peanut. Scintillating.

Glad to be back.

Monday, July 17, 2006 7:22:00 PM  
Blogger Moni said...

You make me laugh. Dowry? Yeah, I've heard many 30 year old's demand one. You must have spent your 77 day sabbatical in India.

I can't compete with M&M's, I won't even try. Ha! Be careful of the green ones.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 7:04:00 AM  

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