Skip to main content

I Can't Put My Arms Down...

Welcome to the inaugural episode of The Pantheon Outcast’s Panoply of Science! We were going to call it “Science For The Brainwashed Masses,” but that title just didn’t play well in the Red States. In this week’s program we will examine a crippling disease that affects one in every ten adults who at some point during the day sit in chairs. Joining us today is the renowned German Physician, Doctor Friedrich Lügner, self-proclaimed expert on everything biological and recent recipient of the French Medallion D’or De L’Homme De Guerre.

First off, let me begin by saying that Americans are obsessed with “syndromes.” While attempting to watch the Home and Garden network for some informative tips on how to use candles in order to make my apartment look as homosexual as possible, I was forced to watch no less than 11 commercials for a drug called Requip. Apparently it is a groundbreaking new drug from GlaxoSmithKline, (the makers of Wellbutrin), to alleviate the crippling onset of a disease that they have completely invented. They call this onerous malady “Restless Leg Syndrome” or “RLS”, (because Americans are also obsessed with abbreviations and initials), which, according to the official restless leg website, affects 10% of all American adults. Ten percent. That means within 20 years, something like 26 million people will be taking Requip for a disease that does not, technically, exist. At $165 dollars per bottle, that represents a nice chunk of change for the suits at Glaxo.

According to, some of the symptoms of RLS include “compelling urge to move the legs, usually accompanied or caused by uncomfortable and unpleasant sensations in the legs.” This is compounded by the fact that, “the more restful the position and the longer the duration, the more likely it becomes that the symptoms will occur.”

I for one am astonished that Science has progressed to the point where doctors and pharmaceutical companies are able to determine that sitting in one place for long periods of time is uncomfortable. And to alleviate said problem, people merely have to take a simple pill! Wow, it’s like living in the age of the Jetsons! Where are the flying cars?

I’m sure at this point, you have many questions for Dr. Lügner, all of which he’ll be happy to answer with typical Teutonic efficiency and wit.

Just how serious is this RLS? Can it cripple / kill / emasculate me?

Oh, Ja, it’s very serious. Can you imagine being temporarily uncomfortable? Like when it’s too humid in your bathroom after a shower or there’s a piece of balled-up cotton in the toe of your sock? Well, that’s what it’s like living with RLS. Visualize having a momentary lack of anything short of total orgasmic bliss, and you can appreciate what the sufferers of RLS must endure. Luckily, there is an extensive network of people eager to capitalize on your pain.

I sometimes feel uncomfortable while sitting for hours at a time in meetings at my creativity-stifling job. Do I have RLS?

Well, it would not be ethical to diagnose a medical condition based on only vague descriptions of discomfort, but, yes. Yes you do. Ask your doctor about Requip immediately; he has boat payments to make.

But wait, Dr. Lügner, surely there must be some drawbacks to this revolutionary new panacea! Are there any serious side effects?

Mit Nichten! Requip is the product of years of development and millions of dollars of marketing, and pharmaceutical companies are just as concerned about your well-being as their bottom line. That being said, users of Requip will experience nothing but waves of indescribable relief! Well, relief and nausea, dizziness, somnolence, headaches, vomiting, syncope, fatigue, dyspepsia, viral infection, constipation, pain, increased sweating, asthenia, edema, abdominal pain, pharyngitis, confusion, urinary tract infections, abnormal vision and mild hallucinations. But that’s a small price to pay for being able to sit comfortably!

Will taking Requip interfere in my daily schedule?

Nein, not at all! Because the drug severely inhibits your ability to operate motor vehicles or focus your eyes, it is recommended that you take one pill immediately before going to bed! Everyday! For the rest of your life!

Couldn't I, you know, just get up and go for a walk or something every few hours?

Are you kidding? Walking around in your condition? Don't you know that you have a syndrome? Taking a walk while suffering the effects of RLS may lead to more debilitating situations like SYT (Stubbing Your Toe), FDTS (Falling Down The Stairs) or even MAITC (Missing An Important Television Commercial). Those are risks you just can't afford to take!

Speaking of not being able to afford something, I, like many other unemployed illegal immigrants, don’t have medical insurance. Is Requip expensive?

Can you put a price on happiness? A year’s supply of Requip is only $621.41! That means for the price of a daily cup of coffee and a bagel, you can sit around for hours on end without having to worry about whether or not your legs might get restless! Besides, those taking Requip are strongly advised against drinking caffeine.

Coffee and a bagel costs a lot more than $1.70, doctor.

Verpiss Dich!


Well, that's about all the time we have today. Join us next week, or whenever the hell I feel like doing this again, for another stimulating episode of The Pantheon Outcast’s Panoply of Science! where we will closely examine the complications resultant from drinking 15 scotches over a period of seven hours like I was privileged enough to have done on Tuesday. And don't forget to buy Dr. Lügner's new book, "Boat Financing Made Easy!"


Moni said…
This was hilarious! I really enjoyed it, I needed a good laugh.

Popular posts from this blog

All empty souls tend toward extreme opinions (W. B. Yeats)

Something occurred to me as I was having a conversation with a friend today, (she’s definitely one of the Outcast by the way), when she mentioned that I wasn’t very “open-minded.” The phrase “open-minded” is perhaps the most aggravating and deceptive American axioms ever invented. Why? Because it’s a trap. The only reason people see others as not “open-minded” is because they are not in agreement about a particular subject. If someone says, “I don’t think the U.S. ever put a man on the moon,” I’d disagree, because there’s tons of evidence to the contrary. But then I’d be met with the dreaded “you need to be more open-minded!” Well, shouldn’t they have the same level of open-mindedness? Of course not. Because in their lexicon, “open-minded” means “believing any old bit of nonsense as long as it goes against tradition.” Cold, hard facts scare these people, so they hide behind the gilded shield of “opinions.”

To be honest, I don’t believe there are any such things as opinions. There are f…

Reason # 1147 To Enroll Your Kids In Private School

Here's a brief story I'd like to relate while it's still fresh in my mind; typically, my articles are 3-4 pages, and quite frankly, it's far too hot to create such a magnum opus tonight. So, I offer you an ultra-condensed version of a disturbing event which took place this past Friday.
Actually, to set the stage, we have to go back to the previous Friday, when the Superintendent of our District happened to be visiting our school. To explain why he was there, I'd have to go over the one-page cap I've set for myself for this article, so suffice it to say that he was trying to do in late May what he should have been doing all year long – namely, his job.
While he is visiting, a student decides it would be a real hoot to throw a glass bottle out of a third-floor classroom window. And since the universe is not without a sense of humor, the bottle travels along a trajectory which terminates at the windshield of a brand-new car parked on the street outside. A car t…