Friday, September 30, 2005

And While We're Talking About Race...

Two items have come to my attention in the past couple of hours, and I find it essential to comment on both of them, as they speak volumes about the hypocrisy surrounding the so-called race problem in America.

On Thursday, Tennessee State Legislator Stacey Campfield was denied entry into the state’s Black Caucus because he was white. According to Rep. Campfield’s own website, he and the leader of the Caucus, Johnny Shaw, had the follwing exchange:

“Back in the spring, I had asked the leader of the black caucus, Johnny Shaw, for a copy of the bylaws. Johnny said he wanted to see a copy of the Republican Caucus bylaws first. I agreed and had a copy sent to him in less than 10 minutes.

When my assistant returned from dropping them off, she notified me that Shaw did not want to give me a copy of the bylaws. I called Johnny Shaw back and he said unless I had a court order or attorney general's opinion, he was not going to give me anything.I later asked him again for a copy and was again rebuffed. I asked why I couldn't have a copy and asked what he didn't want me to see.

Johnny said he didn't have to give me anything and asked why I wanted the copy. “Do you want to be a member?” he said. I said “I don't know. Are you asking me to join?” Johnny said “No! You can't be a member.”I asked “why?”

He answered “because you are white.”

Interesting. The Black Caucus, a state-funded organization, has denied a State Representative a copy of their bylaws and membership into their organization simply because he’s white. I could have sworn America had some rules prohibiting refusal into a public establishment and other discriminatory practices based solely on race. In fact I think it’s a little something called the:



SEC. 201 All persons shall be entitled to the full and equal enjoyment of the goods, services, facilities, and privileges, advantages, and accommodations of any place of public accommodation, as defined in this section, without discrimination or segregation on the ground of race, color, religion, or national origin.

Or maybe I just dreamed that up one night.

Meanwhile, in Boston, seven black police officers who have been found guilty of drug abuse, and subsequently fired from their jobs, are suing the police department. Why? Because they claim that the drug test, which relies on analyzing hair samples, is racially biased. According to the disgraced officers’ attorney, Rheba Rutkowski:

“African-American hair is different from white hair because, among other things, it is coarser and thicker. In fact, those properties make it far more likely to yield a false positive on a hair test than white hair.”

Now, I’m not a scientist, anthropologist or hot-shot attorney. But I’m pretty sure there’s no way that curly hair contains a genetic marker that would induce a false positive for cocaine use. In fact, my assumption is validated by Bill Thistle, Senior Vice President of Psychemedics Corp, the company that conducts the drug tests for the Boston Police Department. Mr. Thistle said that the company has had no complaints from any of its hundreds of clients and that the idea that "drugs can get into your hair because of your race is a ridiculous concept."

The test in question is a mandatory, annual procedure given a month before each police officer’s birthday. If officers fail the test, they can agree to enter a drug rehabilitation program and are then subject to random urine tests. Several of the plaintiffs refused to participate in a rehab program.

Ah. Therein lies the rub, Watson. The officers aren’t suing because they are truly innocent, or victims of a white conspiracy, but because they don’t agree with the consequence of their actions. In fact, their own lawyer admits that, in addition to ludicrously high monetary damages, she wants “the practice to stop.” Which practice would that be, Ms. Rutkowski? That of black police officers using cocaine, or refusing to take responsibility for their actions?

Luckily, I have the perfect solution to both problems, a solution that neither side could logically refute, given the attitude of people like Black Caucus leader Johnny Shaw:

The Boston Police Department should start refusing to hire any more black police officers. If one state-funded organization doesn’t have to abide by the Constitution of the United States, why should another?

That was an easy one – let’s try for something a little more difficult.

50% Of All People Make Up One-Half Of The Population

Why are people afraid of the truth? Is it because it stings like being shot in the spine with Double-O buckshot? Every time I read the papers, it seems that someone has made a factually true statement that ends up “offending” one or more groups of people in America. And these days, everyone belongs to a group. You’ve got your “Minorities”, “Homosexuals,” “Women,” “Physically Challenged,” “One-Legged Left-Handed Bursitis Sufferers,” and the list goes on and on.

For some reason, the media likes to refer to any group larger than two people as a “Community," as in “Homosexual community leaders staged a protest today….” In order to make a cogent argument, definitions must first be agreed upon by all parties involved. A community is, as far as I can tell, a group of people living in the same locality and under the same government. Levittown, New York, therefore is a community. People who are attracted to members of the same sex, however, do not share a zip code, only a hobby, and can’t logically be called a community. The media likes to use words like "community" to emphasize the togetherness and camaraderie that these people share, and, by extension, the recognition they deserve from society as a whole.

But sharing a common physical or psychological trait is not enough of an entrance fee to command the general populace’s unwavering respect. Just because someone is gay, or black or possesses some other irrelevant characteristic, doesn’t mean that they are exempt from society’s microscope and subsequent critique.

Let’s take a moment to look at a statement made by William J. Bennett, a conservative radio talk-show host and former Secretary of Education. On the air yesterday, Bennett responded to a caller who had suggested that Social Security would be better funded if abortion had not been legalized in 1973 because the nation would have more workers paying into the system. A specious argument at best, and it was in Bennett’s best interest to rebut it. He did so by offering the following analogy:

But I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose -- you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down."

Intelligent listeners of Bennett’s show, I assume, merely nodded their head in agreement, as the example he had offered was just as hollow as the caller’s. However, those remarks ignited a firestorm under the rear-ends of every self-righteous, Politically Correct individual from Congressional Representatives to Wade Henderson, the executive director of the Leadership Conference on Civil Rights. They demanded an apology. They want his show to be suspended or cancelled. They denounced him as a racist and a bigot all because he attempted to refute a poorly thought out argument with a similar tautology.

Strangely enough, even though such a comment incited hundreds of talking-heads into full-blown defensive mode, not one person has bothered to point out that logically, William Bennett is 100% correct. Offensive? Insensitive? Who cares? Statistically, he makes sense.

While it would be an enormous undertaking to examine every crime perpetrated in America, let’s look at perhaps the most violent of violent crimes: Murder. According to the Department of Justice, between the years 1976 and 2002, Blacks were 7 times more likely to commit homicide than whites. That is a statistical fact based on conviction rates. According to the statistics for 2002, for every 100,000 people in America, 3.6 of them are whites who have been found guilty of homicide. Conversely, 24.9 people (out of that same 100,000) convicted of homicide are black. There are 290 million people in America, and approximately 13% of them are black. Mathematically, that means that .02% of all black Americans are murderers, compared to .0036% of all whites.

Or if you want to look at it another way, in 2002, 8,490 white people were convicted of murder, while in that same year, 9,297 blacks were convicted of murder.

That’s a total of 17,787 murders in America in 2002, and 52.2% of them were committed by 13% of the population.

Using nothing but pure mathematics and logic, one can see that if you were to eliminate a percentage of either one of these groups, the murder rate would decrease proportionately. Are there other variables that would contribute to the crime rate? Of course. And that’s precisely the argument that Bennett was attempting to make. If there were no blacks in America, there would still be crime, as another group would fill the criminal void. But an examination of the numbers vindicates Bennett’s position, and makes the ensuing controversy superfluous.

Logic has redeemed Mr. William Bennett and will continue to kick sand in the face of those who vehemently deny the truth. Want some more eye-popping truth? Visit this site for some brightly colored maps that further support Bennett’s assertion.

Color-Blind Mortals.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

It's The End Of The World As We Know It And She'll Have Another Gin And Juice

Everything tastes better when it’s free. Especially irony.

A 24 year old Hurricane refugee named Don Maurice Airline was found dead in Tennessee last Saturday, apparently the victim of a robbery. He had been shot five times in the head and his Red Cross debit card worth “several hundred dollars” was missing from his body.

Now before you start shedding tears or pouring malt liquor on the sidewalk, read the rest of the article to discover where Mr. Airline was just before his untimely death.

Was he buying medical supplies for his family? Negotiating the settlement from his insurance company? Discussing his finances with his bank officers? Doing anything remotely related to piecing together the shattered remains of his pre-hurricane existence?

No, he was at a nightclub.

You know, the place you go to drink copious amounts of alcoholic beverages while flailing your arms around wildly to pulsating bass rhythms and attempting to elicit the attention of the opposite sex? Nightclubs are also the perfect places to go after a particularly wearisome week of wading through muddy floodwater while futilely trying to protect your newly-looted basketball jerseys from the floating detritus.

Nightclubs, as far as I can gather, are not a source of free entertainment. Typically there’s a cover charge which doesn’t include the $11 one has pay for a tumbler full of watered-down Bacardi and Coke or one of those trendy low-carb beers which have the savory sensation of having already been filtered through a human’s renal cortex. So while Don Airline is out trying to drink away the fact that he has the single most ridiculous name in human existence, thousands of well-meaning, idealistic college students are sacrificing their ramen noodle and marijuana acquisitions by donating their parents’ hard-earned money to the Red Cross. Donations that undoubtedly helped fund Mr. Airline’s Saturday night groove-session.

If you were one of these people duped into thinking that disaster survivors were merely eking out an existence by pawing through dumpsters for bread crusts and ¾ full bottles of Vitamin Water tossed in the trash by people who had after one sip realized that it tasted suspiciously like aardvark urine, I’m sorry, but you don’t have any legal recourse.

However, instead of letting the sentiment of middle-class guilt force you into shelling out your money to people who will use it to entertain their lady-friends at discothèques, be aware of the fact that charities prey on your emotions for their own existence. However noble the Red Cross claims to be, that impression is despoiled when one of its “clients” is out breakdancing with their credit card in his back pocket.

So save your money, my guilty Caucasian friends. Somewhere on that big ol’ planet of yours there are humans who are really in need of your assistance, and you’d be doing everyone a service if you sought them out individually, rather than to blindly write checks to organizations whose distribution system has no accountability.

Or, alternatively, you could just buy yourself several drinks and try to forget the fact that entropy is irreversible.

And no “lite” beers, Mortals.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Second Verse, Same As The First

In addition to being immortal, I have also been blessed with the gift of foresight, which comes in handy on Lottery Night, The Kentucky Derby, and the four hundred college bowl games which all seem to be sponsored by auto parts manufacturers. However, I decided long ago that I would be using my powers of divining the future for the good of the general public and not for monetary gain.

That being said, let me reveal to you now what will occur shortly after Hurricane Rita slams into the Gulf Coast with deadly, sardonic precision:

Prediction #1: 100 million people will blame the imminent destruction on the President of the United States. 10 million of them will go on to narrow down the blame to his refusal to sign the Kyoto Treaty. At least 100 of them will be celebrities who throw cell phones at their assistants when they fail to provide enough backstage bottled water.

Prediction #2: Stubborn, ignorant townies will refuse to leave their swampland residences, and will sit on the porch with a shotgun and bottle of Kentucky Bourbon while scowling at the TV cameras. At least one of them will have painted a poorly spelled message on the roof of his home.

Prediction #3: News media outlets will feature images and stories of the poor, disenfranchised minorities struggling through the hip-deep deluge with their 11 children, six dogs and three TV sets juxtaposed with images of the very same minorities throwing trash cans through store windows in order to liberate essential survival paraphernalia such as six pairs of Nike sneakers and cases of Miller High Life longnecks.

Prediction #4: Someone will mention what a great job the volunteers from the New York Fire Department are doing without musing on the fact that there are at least a dozen cities within walking distance of the affected areas that should be sending their own emergency workers.

Prediction #5: Sean Penn, after leaping over stagnant floodwaters to save a six month old baby, will be killed and eaten by residents of Gretna, Louisiana. Not so much of a prediction as it is an example of my wishful thinking.

Prediction #6: Cindy Sheehan will immolate herself on the Great Lawn in hopes of diverting media attention toward the more pressing concern of giving her more media attention.

Prediction #7: Every single website on Earth will feature a “Donate to the Red Cross” link. Except this one. Simple-minded people across the globe will also rush out and buy orange rubber bracelets, or whatever particular hue denotes natural disasters.

Prediction #8: Fox News will feature a series of probing exposés on every single hurricane to hit the planet since Noah was a nerdy teenager building ships in bottles.

Prediction #9: Someone who plays golf with the Vice President will get fired.

Prediction #10: Unusually large numbers of stupid people will mention that the war in Iraq prevents National Guard troops from making an adequate response to the disaster. 24 hours later, the very same people will complain that the hurricane site looks like a “warzone”, with all of the military presence. Hillary Clinton will threaten to destroy Washington D.C. with her high frequency screeching if the government doesn’t immediately launch an independent investigation.

Prediction #11: One or more persons will be arrested for falsifying their identites as “evacuees” in order to garner FEMA checks. The real evacuees will be spending their FEMA checks on steak, CD’s and new shoes that they haven’t already stolen. At least one news anchor will refer to a German Shepherd as a “hero.”

Prediction #12: I will write at least three more scathing articles concerning the aura of stupidity that seems to insinuate itself every time something “tragic” happens on a scale larger a 6 MPH fender-bender.

And that’s assuming Hurricane Rita has half the moxie of her cousin, Katrina. If not, then you can be sure of at least 100 headlines proclaiming how wonderful it was that god has spared the U.S.

Until the next time he gets drunk and loses a bet.

You heard it here first, Mortals.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Donate Your Unused Ammunition To Gretna, Louisiana

Even in the wake of an unprecedented mobilization of aid and donations, there are still those determined to prove how “wronged” they were. I realize that I had sworn not to comment on any more of the Hurricane Katrina coverage, but this article was too good to pass up.

Apparently, the residents of Gretna, Louisiana have become the latest recipients of the dreaded “Racist” branding after it was discovered that after the hurricane, their Police Chief, Arthur Lawson, had blockaded the bridge that connects their city to New Orleans. Gretna, a small, upscale suburb of about 18,000 residents, in addition to having to deal with the devastation and loss caused by the floods, now also has to contend with the angry, fanatical finger-pointing perpetrated by a select group of ignorant but media-savvy individuals, including the mayor of New Orleans himself.

Regardless of Newsday’s flawed statistics, the town of Gretna is approximately 50% white and 35% black, numbers that make the town look less like the Aryan paradise depicted in the news and more like a capital of diversity, akin to Chicago or New York. However, because the town denied over 5000 “mostly black” evacuees access to its dwindling food and water reserves, the consensus among the clueless is that Gretna is “racist” instead of the more appropriate, “Gretna is logical.”

It’s not as if Gretna had an unlimited supply of survival equipment; in fact, they were just as endangered as those in New Orleans, and quite possibly without the majority of federal assistance that the larger city had. The people of Gretna, specifically the mayor and the police chief, acted in the best interest of their citizens, and if that resulted in the denial of assistance to thousands of outsiders, then so be it.

In other words, “Tough luck.”

Humans’ survival instinct is not a complex model by any means. Quite simply, if one is in harm’s way, then one will find the most direct and logical approach to reversing those circumstances, often at the expense of others. If a fire breaks out in my apartment building, I’m going to get up, grab my car keys and my collection of 1986 Mets baseball cards, and head outside expeditiously. I’m certainly not going to sacrifice my well-being and belongings to help people who are panicking, screaming, and leaping about chaotically. I’m not interested in being a hero, and I have no desire to make headlines or have a city-block named after me. I’ll leave that to firefighters, police and other supermen who are so often revered in the media as "heroes," often with the adjective “posthumous.”

Selfish? Damn straight. But logical, all the same.

However, neither the police or the mayor or the citizens of Gretna were acting selfishly, nor were they donning white hoods or goose-stepping to Deustchland Uber Alles while erecting the barrier to their town. They were simply displaying the honorable trait of self-preservation in response to the chaotic disaster and the fact that the New Orleans evacuees had burned down their mall.

That’s right, the poor souls who sought refuge in Gretna demonstrated their dire need for food, clothing, and shelter by setting fire to Gretna’s Oakwood Mall. I guess that they didn’t have enough Foot Lockers there to loot, so they struck a match instead. You'd think these people would be using their FEMA checks to purchase food and medicine, but it appears $2000 buys a lot of gasoline and Bic lighters.

I, for one, laud Police Chief Lawson, for his courageous actions, but submit that he didn’t do quite enough. Arming about 100 of his citizens with high-powered rifles and strategically placing them on the bridge with orders to shoot to kill might have sent a stronger message to the “desperate” evacuees.

“Turn around and keep going or I’ll drop you in your tracks,” is an easily recognized phrase, regardless of race, religion or social status. Especially when emphasized with a warning shot across the backside.

One In The Head And Two In The Chest, Mortals.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Four Years Later

2,749 Americans agree that the next major U.S. military operation should be targeted at 21° 25′ 24″ N 39° 49′ 24″ E using 72 Trident II SLBM missles armed with W88 Nuclear warheads.

That's how you show that you've truly "Never Forgotten."

Lex Talionis.

For A 45-Year-Old Fat Guy, She's Pretty Attractive

An interesting item today from Newsday, known worldwide for having more "I Blame Bush" content than any other newspaper, seems to indicate that New York is currently so free from crime, that authorities can now go ahead and prosecute people who have only contemplated breaking the law.

Jan Kabas, a 53-year-old attorney from Jericho, New York has pleaded guilty to “first-degree attempted disseminating indecent material to minors,” which apparently carries with it anywhere from 16 months to 4 years of prison fun and excitement. But the truth shows that he never, according to the letter of the law, did any such thing.

Seems that Mr. Kabas, when not committing bank fraud, likes to kick off his shoes and spend a relaxing evening chatting with 13-year old girls on AOL. One in particular caught his fancy, and he spent the next month and a half wooing her in the chat rooms. Ah, but much to his chagrin, the young lady with which Mr. Kabas was conversing for six weeks was in fact an undercover investigator (who was not an agent of the police department, by the way) charged with the responsibility of hunting down pedophiles and bringing them to justice.

I’m not sure exactly how a grown man “pretends” to be a 13-year old girl online, but I’m pretty sure it involves frequently using those graphical emoticons and uttering the phrase, "Skool sux!"

In any case, after exchanging six weeks of “sexually explicit emails,” Mr. Kabas and Deep Operative “Hello Kitty” arranged to meet. Only when Mr. Kabas arrived at the prearranged place, instead of being met by a dorky teenager with braces and bubble gum, he found himself staring down the barrel of a class E felony.

Look, I am fully aware that attempting to use the Internet to lure 13-year old girls into your loving arms is both universally stupid and utterly repulsive, (even though the media and society in general seem to have no problem with the sexual objectification of minors). But in Mr. Kabas’ defense, if we apply the rules of logic, then no actual crime was committed, and thus, he should be exonerated. Perhaps slapped in the face a few times for being absolutely dim-witted, but exonerated, nonetheless.

Let’s look at the facts: The Nassau County District Attorney’s office, in association with the Long Island chapter of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (which sounds suspiciously like a vegan organization), set up a sting to catch people with Lolita complexes. However, they did this using misdirection, deceit and entrapment. Mr Kabas wasn’t actually chatting with a 13-year old girl, he was chatting with a 45-year old fat balding guy who was masquerading as a 13-year old girl. Even in the ever-restrictive America, I’m pretty sure there’s no law against two middle-aged homely men having cyber-sex. Regardless of Mr. Kabas’ desire to have sexual relations with a teenager, the fact remains that there was never a teenager in the first place. It’s like meeting with an illegal arms dealer in a back alley, and paying him $1000 for a briefcase that turns out to contain three pounds of cherry licorice.

So, the statute under which Mr. Kabas was indicted, “first-degree attempted disseminating indecent material to minors,” is not logically applicable, as there was no actual minor to which to disseminate anything! She was the figment of the imagination of the DA’s Office and a dishonest construct used to entrap an admittedly stupid individual.

The miserable reality of it all is, that in actuality, young children are being abducted and, sadly, sexually molested. Their assailants should be caught, bound with razor wire, strapped to the bumper of a 1972 Chevy Nova, and then dropped into the Grand Canyon. It behooves a decent civilization, and even the Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Children, to use every resource possible to bring these criminals to justice. But in this case, all they succeeded in doing was making a criminal out of a man who, in essence, did nothing criminal (unless you count that bank fraud thing).

Yes, I realize that his intent was to meet with and have sex with a child. It’s blatantly obvious that he has multiple problems, the least of which is not being able to keep himself out of court. But this is not justice, at least not according to the statute under which they indicted him. If Nassau County wants to see him behind bars, then the least they could do is prosecute him for crimes that he actually, physically committed according to the superior laws of logic.

Overzealous Mortals.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Big Easy To Forget....

(Cartoon Courtesy of Steve Kelley)

I’m getting exceptionally bored and restless with all the over-hyped, redundant coverage of that passing shower Katrina, so this will be the last time I make reference to it. I was trying to come up with a fitting way to cap off all of the maudlin photo-essays, conspiratorial journalism, and whiny race baiting with a solid, keen-edged slash-to-the-heartstrings article, but it seems that I have been beaten to it.

Even though I know it’s tongue-in-cheek at its finest, I temporarily take back every negative comment I’ve ever made about Jack Shafer, Slate Magazine’s editor-at-large. In today’s issue, he writes a very compelling argument on why the city of New Orleans should not be rebuilt. Read it and don't forget to take notes!

Now here’s the irony: In an attempt by Mr. Shafer at using facts that cast Sin City in a negative light, thereby gaining the emotional support of those who see his article as sarcasm, he has actually done precisely the opposite for anyone who has a room-temperature IQ. We, the logical who walk among you, see New Orleans for the cesspool of barbarism and Girls Gone Wild Videos that it really is.

Regardless of how many images of drowned children or flooded homes we see, the undeniable facts point to the unforgiving truth: New Orleans was a decaying, corrupt, depraved and insignificant city filled with some of the most illiterate, criminal and downright worthless people in civilization before the flooding. All the jazz and catfish couldn’t save the soul of that moral wasteland and there’s absolutely no reason why American tax dollars should do it now either.

Instead, it should remain as an everlasting memorial to the great gods of Entropy and Social Darwinism. A veritable “Eternal Deluge” if you will, standing for all time to commemorate the social cleansing it has performed.

Expendable Mortals.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Interview With The Vainglorious

I thought I’d share with you today a topic that not too many people are aware of, or in the greater sense, “care about in the slightest.” It seems that Anne Rice wrote an open letter to the People of the United States and had it published in the New York Times. We can’t be sure that this letter was actually written by Anne Rice, because the Times has a slightly irritating habit of completely fabricating the stories that appear in its pages. Nevertheless, for the sake of this article, we’ll assume that it is genuine. Her editorial, published in the opinion section, basically lambastes the Federal Government, the American People, and pretty much everyone else on the planet, for not doing enough to save her precious, vibrant city of New Orleans during the hurricane “crisis”.

In case you don’t know who Anne Rice is, she is the unquestionable Queen of the Gothic/ Horror/ Homoerotic/ Sadomasochistic/ Guys Who Wear Velvet Shirts and Paint Their Fingernails literary genre. She was famous for eleven minutes in 1990 when her book, Interview With A Vampire, was adapted to the silver screen, making her immensely popular with latent homosexuals and angsty pre-teens who shop at Hot Topic. Since then, she has built up quite a large cult following by publishing the exact same book 35 times, changing the protagonist from a Vampire to a Witch to a Mummy. She doesn’t take criticism very well, evidenced by the 1200 word essay posted on assailing her fans and reviewers and berating them for mildly critiquing her latest oeuvre about promiscuous Victorian demons.

The article that Ms. Rice wrote is divided into two parts, the first being a short history of the City of New Orleans that she seems to have fabricated completely in her mind. She talks an awful lot about the blacks in New Orleans, asserting that it is a “black city” built by “black people” made up of “black culture” where “blacks” did “black things” “blackly”. It’s no coincidence that she uses the word “black” thirteen times in her article, because thirteen is one of those numbers that spooky pseudo-pagans are obsessed with. It’s interesting to note that while blacks are referenced thirteen times, the French, who actually founded New Orleans in 1718, are mentioned only once, and as poets at that.

The second part is a wild-eyed, bemoaning, and accusatory rant on why the people in New Orleans stayed, (even though they were ordered to evacuate), why they looted, (probably because the city’s so “vibrant,” you know?) and why it took “so long” for the federal government to respond to the crisis. But the most compelling and exasperating part of the article is where Ms. Rice says:

“But to my country I want to say this: During this crisis you failed us. You looked down on us; you dismissed our victims; you dismissed us. You want our Jazz Fest, you want our Mardi Gras, you want our cooking and our music. Then when you saw us in real trouble, when you saw a tiny minority preying on the weak among us, you called us "Sin City," and turned your backs.”

“Us”? You live in Paradise, Ms. Rice, you’re not part of the “Us.” Your personal possessions eclipse the entire population of New Orleans’ collective wealth. Turned their backs, Ms. Rice? According to the Red Cross (and that’s just one of the many charities hard at work saving “your” city), Americans have donated funds in excess of $350 million dollars. How much did you give?

Even though the media has tackled these topics and asked these questions to the point that we wished more of the media had been swept away in the initial flooding, the NY Times chose to run Ms. Rice’s piece because she is one of the city’s more famous residents. At least she was, up until a couple of years ago when she sold the largest of the three houses she owned in New Orleans and moved to Jefferson Parish, a suburb of New Orleans that is every bit as “Vibrant” as the Big Easy, except Richer, Safer, and Whiter. Today, she lives in a small town suspiciously named “Paradise West, California,” whish doesn’t turn up on conventional city searches, but I can only imagine is even more Safe, Rich, and White.

The truth is, Ms. Rice isn’t really attacking Americans, any more than she cares about poor, dirty, looting “vibrant people,” in her former city. She’s simply and transparently attempting to denigrate the American Government because she has an axe to grind. Don’t think so? Read the letter written to her by Michael Moore before the 2004 elections. Or try the editorial she wrote for the New Yorker. Read the transcript of her opinions on why people should vote for John Kerry. And if that isn’t enough, check out her defense of Bill Clinton’s debasement of the Office of the Presidency.

Politics will always continue to get in the way of compassion and authenticity, especially when dealing with those who have obviously become alienated from their society in the first place. In the end, however, does anyone really pay attention to the opinions of a woman who makes her living off writing about gay vampires?

Sadly, in your world, yes.

Smarmy Mortal.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Sunshine, Lollipops and...Rainbows Everywhere...

There are two types of people in your world: Those who swallow everything that is fed to them, like the starving dogs that they are, and those who, if someone told them they were on fire, would roll their eyes unless they could actually smell their own hair smoldering.

And it’s easy to tell the two types apart, too; just listen to their vocabulary. If someone uses the words “tragedy,” “victim,” “godsend,” “blessing,” or “perspective” more than six times during a normal three-minute conversation, then they are undeniably of the first variety.

It’s not easy to be cynical, or as I like to call it, logical. Logical people are pariahs in this society, for the simple fact that they revel in crushing the conventional dreams, beliefs, values, traditions and customs of pretty much everyone who have closed their minds and eyes to the truth and instead elects to be guided by their hearts. Letting your emotions rule your actions is okay for, say, Valentine’s Day, but on a day-to-day basis, it’s asking for trouble.

Most of the time, people allow their emotions to lead because they are afraid of facing the truth. The truth hurts – it hits you over your head with a tie iron until you are bleeding from the ears, and then it steals your wallet – but it never tries to deny what it is. And since there are very few people who can handle such a beating, they attempt to obfuscate the truth using “Emotional Intellectualism”, which is my politically correct term for being politically correct. Emotional Intellectualism works like this: you read an article, or see a news report, or hear a story, and after all of the facts are laid out before you, you allow them to swirl about and then gel together in your mind and then express your opinion using the first emotion that pops into your head.

Need an example? Ok, lets use something topical. Read this article from Reuters, and I’ll be over here clipping my nails….Finished? Ok, what did you think?

If you answered: “Oh those poor people, this is just another example of how oppressive our government can be!”, then you, my friend, are an emotional intellectual.

If on the other hand, you write a 1000 word essay on just how ludicrous that article was, then, you are me. Or someone like me, anyway. Perhaps even one of the Outcast.

Lucky for you all, I happen to speak excellent Emotional Intellectual, and would be more than happy to translate the article for those with the inability to see the truth. The actual article content will be in quotes; the logical translation will be in parentheses.

“People left homeless by Hurricane Katrina told horrific stories of rape, murder and trigger happy guards in two New Orleans centers that were set up as shelters but became places of violence and terror.”

(Subhuman citizens were upset that the authorities were severely curbing their looting activities, and decided to play the race card and complain to the first person with a notebook and camera).

“Several residents of the impromptu shantytown recounted two horrific incidents where those charged with keeping people safe had killed them instead.”

(The two in question were stupid enough to engage in criminal behavior in full sight of law enforcement officers.)

“Police here refused to discuss or confirm either incident. National Guard spokesman Lt. Col Pete Schneider said ‘I have not heard any information of a weapon being discharged.’”

(Lt. Col Pete Schneider wanted to say, ‘I shot six of them myself. Goddamn animals’.)

"A young lady was being raped and stabbed. And the sounds of her screaming got to this man and so he ran out into the street to get help from troops, to try to flag down a passing truck of them, and he jumped up on the truck's windshield and they shot him dead."

(Anyone whose English is that poor is lying. The man who was shot was obviously attempting to join in the fun. And if he wasn't, let this be a lesson to those who jump onto moving vehicles during natural disasters.)

"Last night at 8 p.m. they shot a kid of just 16. He was just crossing the street. They ran him over, the New Orleans police did, and then they got out of the car and shot him in the head,"

(He was crossing the street with a TV in his hands, a gun jammed in his pants, and shouting “Fuck you, pigs!”)

“A member of that family, Africa Brumfield, 32, confirmed the incident but declined to be quoted about it, saying her family did not wish to discuss it.”

(A woman named ‘Africa’ couldn’t possibly have any sort of hidden agenda. Plus, it was for her that her brother was stealing the TV.)

“’They have us living here like animals,’ said Wvonnette Grace-Jordan, here with five children, the youngest only six weeks old. ‘We have only had two meals, we have no medicine and now there are thousands of people defecating in the streets. This is wrong. This is the United States of America.’”

(When your entire city has been destroyed by 20-foot waves of floodwater, you have very little choices on where to defecate. The government, or “they”, had nothing to do with your predicament, including your decision to have five children. If you live in abject poverty, you shouldn’t have children.)

“One National Guard soldier who asked not to be named for fear of punishment from his commanding officer said of the lack of medical attention at the center, ‘They (the Bush administration) care more about Iraq and Afghanistan than here.’"

(He cannot be trusted guarding his country. He should be summarily executed for treason. He also couldn’t possibly know what the government cares about.)

“The scene at the sports stadium was one of abject filth. Crammed into a small area after the building was shut to them last night, those remaining sat amid heaps of garbage, piled in places waist high.”

(The flood carried away all of the garbage pails in the Superdome, too? That seems like a lot of garbage for people who don’t have any belongings or get only two meals a day.)

“One police officer told Reuters there were 100 people in a makeshift morgue at the Superdome, mostly people who died of heat exhaustion, and that six babies had been born there since last Saturday”

(There were 25,000 refugees at the Superdome. Statistically, 177 babies a day are born in the entire state of Louisiana, at a population of 4.5 million. The Superdome refugees represent .5% of the entire state. Thus, since the article was written one week from the date of when refugees began filing into the arena, the number of live births – 6 – is exactly in keeping with the birth rate of Louisiana. What, did you think I wouldn’t check?)

"’We found a young girl raped and killed in the bathroom," one National Guard soldier told Reuters. "Then the crowd got the man and they beat him to death.’"

(Good. Free up the courts for Enron officials. Lex Talionis.)

See how easy it is? My version of the article tells the exact same thing without all of the bathos and pandering that seems to accompany American journalism. Open your eyes and try it yourself. It’s fun and enlightening. All you need is a few spare minutes and your brain. Let your heart go out and catch butterflies while you’re thinking, or it will attempt to interfere.

Sensitive Mortals.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

There's No Flooding On The Mountaintop, or How Crazy Liberals Saved Me Money

Because I’m such a benevolent, compassionate soul, I did a little checking around to see what I, as one outcast god, could do to help the untenable situation down in Hurricane Country.

I stumbled across this site, which, in the spirit of pretentiousness, was set up to elicit donations to the Red Cross. A noble cause, wouldn’t you say?

In the comments section, however, the site’s true colors came out. Seems one poster, a Mr. Rick Blake, was very troubled that the current federal administration was not doing enough to help out all of the black people that are suffering. Let me remind you that 33% of the affected area is white, so Mr. Blake is really only concerned about 2/3 of the victims. His comments are too extensive (and convoluted) to post here, but you can click here to read about Bush, and FEMA, and how the bible all figures into the hurricane situation.

I’m not sure what bothers me more, that an idiot like that made such outrageous comments during a time of such widespread crisis, or that the site elected to archive those comments, even though they are petitioning their readers for donations to the world’s largest impartial charity.

What would the Red Cross would say if they knew that Ameriblog, the place to go on the Internet if you can’t get enough of the phrase, “Bush Sucks,” is the referring site from which I found the impassioned and racist, pleas? And that the driving force behind the solicitation is, a web developer run by two people named Carrie (only with different permutations of spelling) whose goal it is to make sure that Republicans are never again elected in this country for any position more advanced than School Crossing Guard. And I know that’s true because they describe themselves as “grassroots”, which means, “angry sandal-wearing protestors.”

Somehow I think the Red Cross’ principles of Neutrality and Impartiality have been lost on these political opportunists.

So, Mr. Blake, instead of lambasting the federal government, perhaps your time would be better spent petitioning wealthy black Americans to help rescue your suffering “Brothers and Sisters.” (Yes, he actually used that term). I call upon Oprah Winfrey, P “Puff Daddy” Diddy, Known Philanthropist Carmelo Anthony, Maya Angelou, The Oakland Raiders, That fat guy that owns the FUBU company, Jesse “Rainbow Coalition” Jackson, Al “Soul-Glo” Sharpton, Famed Rapper MC DJ Ice-T Wit a Twist a’ Lemon Dawg, Bruce S. Gordon from the NAACP, Slate Editor-At-Large Jack Shafer, Cartoonist Aaron McGruder, BET Billionaire Robert L. Johnson and any other African-American who has made more than $1 Million in the last year, to sell one or more of their private planes and give back to their community.

Needless to say, I wasn't exactly scrambling for the PayPal button at that point. White people, relax. Have another Soy Caramel Decaf Frappalotachino and go on watching NASCAR and golf; according to Mr. Blake, it’s not your concern. But if you still want to donate, keep this in mind (thanks Chuck Asay):

Bigoted Mortals

BUSH: The Tetragrammaton

Ah…(rubbing hands together gleefully). It’s begun. People, (and I use that term loosely), are blaming the President of the United States for the destruction caused by the Hurricane Katrina.

So far, President Bush is responsible for:

Muslim terrorists hijacking planes and killing 3000 people

Wars in the Middle East that have been occurring ever since Mohammad first crawled out of his cave

Skyrocketing gasoline prices

Global Warming

And now, a Hurricane.

Is there nothing this man can’t do? He’s got his finger in every pie! From governing the actions of religious fundamentalists, to tinkering with International Politics, to controlling the world economy, and now it’s been proven that he has dominion over the forces of Nature!

I humbly pledge my obeisance before this omnipotent deity.

The Only Evil Video that Michael Jordan Ever Appeared in was "Space Jam"

Tell me again how all people are created equal:

This poor woman was dragged out of her car, punched, kicked and throttled by a mob of sub-humans because they suspected her of “ratting out” some local gang of thugs. She later died from her injuries. Apparently, in the criminal community, snitching on other criminals is the lowest form of behavior imaginable. Drug dealing, murder, rape and prostitution on the other hand are the glue that keeps such communities together.

So why did a throng of troglodytes beat a woman to death because she dropped a dime? Because their role models gave them the green light.

Last year, Denver Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony made a cameo appearance in a underground DVD called “Stop Snitchin’.” The video, in addition to reinforcing almost every known stereotype of black Americans, (you know, doo-rags, finger signs, the ubiquitous use of the word “nigga”), presents one salient point throughout its 120 minute runtime: if any person informs the police of suspected or observed criminal behavior, he or she will be met with a response of violent anti-social behavior. Or, in the parlance of the culture, a “cap” will be “busted in yo ass.”

What does Carmelo Anthony have to do with it? I’m sure he’s not running around with the crips and the bloods “snuffin’ niggas”. But the fact that he’s a black celebrity automatically makes him a black role model.

Inner city youths are not taking their cues from the deeds of Condoleezza Rice or Bill Cosby. Instead, they look up to and emulate people with the unlikely monikers of 50-Cent, Jay-Z and other hyphenated atrocities against the English Language. In addition to rap “artists”, black youth have an emotional attachment to basketball players simply because they’re young, rich, famous and black.

So by affiliation, when Carmelo Anthony appears on a DVD that says that talking to police will result in your death, he is unconsciously (or not) endorsing this behavior. And again, instead of denouncing the DVD, the black community cries “Free Speech” and justifies its existence by virtue of the “culture” it portrays. The fact that he claims he never knew the DVD was being made doesn’t change anything, as he obviously has the wherewithal to prevent it from being distributed.

During the Indonesian Tsunami, Anthony announced that to help make the world a better place, he’d be donating $1,000 for each point scored in two games against the Spurs and the Rockets to relief efforts. What a sweetheart. In the January 8th game versus the Spurs, Anthony scored 8 points, the next day against the Rockets, 27. So big-hearted Carmelo Anthony ended up donating $35,000 to Tsunami-related charities, or one percent of his $3,471,360 salary. I hope the Nobel committee didn’t break their ankles tripping over each other trying to phone him. So while his tax attorney is busy writing off his donation, Anthony is appearing on videos that sanction the lifestyle of crime. Nice.

Today, T-shirts emblazoned with the motto “Stop Snitchin’” are all the rage in crime-infested cities such as Baltimore, Oakland, and Washington D.C. Shopkeepers and Webmasters call them “fashion accessories,” but in reality, they are simply another monstrous example of society’s embrace of the sick, the twisted, the criminal and the wrong. Is it not your duty, as part of the human species to quell the injustices perpetrated against your own kind? Or are you more comfortable sitting idly by, watching from the relative secure confines of your own self-righteousness, shrugging and saying, “Hey, at least it isn’t me, and at least I’m being fashionable!”

Because of their violent music, culture, the tacit endorsement by their role models and, above all, the inability of their “leaders” to place their constituents in check, black America continues to distance itself from civilization. And to those outside the “culture” of the streets, shame on you for not crushing the rebellion.

Yo, Mad Wack Mortals.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Naked Women Scamper in the Dirt as Thousands Suffocate on Quest to Stare At Shiny Building. Film At Eleven

As I sit here in my ivory tower and count the days until all you mortals finally finish yourselves off in a stunning display of stupidity, I often wonder to myself, “Is there any way perhaps that the process could be speeded up?” Even though the current death rate of the planet is holding steady, it pleases me to see that the principal frailties of the human species, greed and mindless faith, contribute more than their share to the extinction of the planet.

Let’s take a look first at the situation in Swaziland, a country primarily known for being completely unknown to anyone who enjoys running water and electrical lighting. Seems that in Swaziland, the time has finally come for King Mswati III to choose his thirteenth wife. Sure, the first dozen are important, as they are to any man, but number 13, that’s the honey pot. And like most swinging bachelors, King Mswati woos his women the old fashioned way: by having 50,000 of them show up topless to his palace to perform the ancient rite of shaking their half-naked body in time to drums made out of zebra-skins. Which, according to many Swazis, “cements national identity.”

And shake they must, otherwise, according to local topless girl, 16-year-old Zodwa Mamba, without the nude gyrations, she won’t be able to fulfill her lifelong dream of wanting to “live a nice life, have money, be rich, have a BMW and cell phone.”

Ah, yes, a cell phone. That is certainly a top priority for any young girl living in a country where 38.8% of all people are stricken with the AIDS virus, the unemployment rate is 34% and life expectancy hovers around 35 years. I mean, at 16, she’s middle aged! Think about it, to not have a BMW or cellular phone and be 40 years old in America is tantamount to abject failure!

With apologies to Pat Robertson, King Mswati should probably be killed. Nineteen years this guy has been in power, and while his countrymen languish in poverty and despair, he’s got palatial estates, throngs of women, a luxury jet that cost a quarter of the nation's annual budget, and all the gold that he can eat. I’m sure that moral relativists like those that wear ACLU buttons on their L.L. Bean backpacks would chalk up his behavior to a matter of “culture”, but he needs to be put away. Not by some elite U.S. commando unit or a crazed lone gunman under the impression that a political assassination will bring him one step closer to the eternal love of Tina Turner. No, I mean that instead of wearing beads and scarves and cavorting around naked in the mud in order to catch the lustful eye of a portly tyrant, these Swazi women should rise up as one singular, determined entity of mass nudity and crush his larynx with their rain-sticks, or whatever the hell they have over in Swaziland. They should rescue their pride, steal his gold-plated toilets and consequently, and drag their miserable little country out of the depths of the Stone Age.

But they won’t. Because he’s their one-way ticket to cellphoneville. Dance around naked for a few hours, or die of AIDS along with almost half of the population. Good choice.

Now the other incident worth mentioning is the “tragedy” that occurred recently in Iraq. No, it didn’t involve blonde GI’s being captured by terrorists, or murderers being mistreated by prison guards by refusing their choice of pudding flavors. In fact, the war had little or nothing to do with the events that transpired there on a sunny day in August, but the results were no less horrific than what might occur on the battlefield. And by “horrific” I mean, “disturbingly entertaining.”

While details are sketchy at this time, what appears to have happened is a large group of people, while peacefully strolling across Imams bridge in Northern Baghdad, suddenly and unexpectedly, panicked, scattering and running like cockroaches in the glow of the refrigerator light. In the ensuing chaos, a number of them were trampled to death by the multitudes on the bridge. And when I say “a number of them” I mean close to a thousand. A thousand people died because they were stepped on by a fleeing hoard.

I know what you’re thinking. A thousand people? How do a thousand people die while running across a bridge? Why were they even there? And if a thousand died, how many were there in the first place? Well, I’ll tell you. It seems that the crowds had gathered to visit the resting place of Imam Moussa ibn Jaafar al-Kadhim, one of the 12 principle saints of Islam, something that they apparently do every year. This year’s pilgrimage drew over one million people. A million people. Walking hundreds of miles to stand in front of a shrine of someone who died twelve hundred years ago.

Ok, think about where you live. New York, Los Angeles, Apple Valley Minnesota, Salt Lick Iowa. Now picture 18% of your population congregating at your local church, temple, synagogue, or railroad underpass for no good reason other than to stand there, praying to someone who may or may not be buried underneath. Scary thought, isn’t it? Well, that’s what happened in Baghdad. And because of it, one thousand people died.

Now here’s the funny part. There are critics who are blaming the government for not being able to prevent this “tragedy.” Somehow, it became the responsibility of the minister of defense to guarantee the safety and security of a million religious fundamentalists while his country is at WAR. Apparently there is no word for “priorities” in Arabic.

And if you didn’t laugh at that, try this one on for size: The panicking is attributed to the fact that they, the pilgrims, somehow were under the impression that there might be a suicide bomber in their midst. Can you imagine? A suicide bomber at a Muslim fundamentalist religious convention in Iraq? Who exactly would be startled at this revelation? I can see if the Middle Eastern Division marketing reps from Oscar Meyer were there whipping packages of Hickory Smoked at the crowd, perhaps there would be a little anxiety.

Articles like this excite me greatly, and not just because I’m a wretched being who feeds off the misery of others. I just figure that it’s worth pointing out that the greedy and overly pious among you can be counted on to fail spectacularly, and, as a bonus, take scores more along with you on your final pilgrimage.

Misguided Mortals.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

All empty souls tend toward extreme opinions (W. B. Yeats)

Something occurred to me as I was having a conversation with a friend today, (she’s definitely one of the Outcast by the way), when she mentioned that I wasn’t very “open-minded.” The phrase “open-minded” is perhaps the most aggravating and deceptive American axioms ever invented. Why? Because it’s a trap. The only reason people see others as not “open-minded” is because they are not in agreement about a particular subject. If someone says, “I don’t think the U.S. ever put a man on the moon,” I’d disagree, because there’s tons of evidence to the contrary. But then I’d be met with the dreaded “you need to be more open-minded!” Well, shouldn’t they have the same level of open-mindedness? Of course not. Because in their lexicon, “open-minded” means “believing any old bit of nonsense as long as it goes against tradition.” Cold, hard facts scare these people, so they hide behind the gilded shield of “opinions.”

To be honest, I don’t believe there are any such things as opinions. There are facts – things that are universally true, and then there are falsehoods – things that are universally false. My apologizes to the fence-sitters and politically correct crowd (but not big apologies), but there is nothing that can ever be “both” if you “put it in perspective”. What perspective? People must be kidding when they use that phrase as well, because from whose perspective could they possibly be seeing an issue, if not that of an intelligent human being? My divinity aside, the only thing that affects my perspective is the amount of logic and clear thought I put into pondering a situation.

I happen to have pretty strong opinions about, well, everything, and for that I receive the label, “opinionated” or “judgmental”. I can live with that, because where I come from, if you have no opinion about a topic, it simply means that you’re a bloody moron. My opinions are based solely on an examination of the facts, followed by a logical assessment of how those facts interrelate. For example, if someone asked me my opinion about whom I thought the greatest author of all time was, I’d be able to say “William Shakespeare” and have plenty of pertinent facts and data to back up my opinion.

Sitting on my bookshelf is a book with the dubious title of “Shakespeare: An Anthology of Criticism and Theory, 1945-2000”. When I first purchased the book, I thought, “Gee, 55 years of Shakespeare criticism. I bet there’s no dead horses being beaten there!” Let’s face it, there haven’t been any works of fictional literature more discussed throughout history than Shakespeare’s writings, (except maybe the Christian bible) and I’m pretty sure that everything significant that needed to be said has been said, and probably in a dozen different languages. So do we need more modern criticisms? Apparently, someone thought we do, for there stands the book. However, the pages in between don’t offer any insight into the socio-political atmosphere that existed during Elizabethan England, nor do they question the playwright’s intent or motives behind writing. No, instead, the book is partitioned into Parts, and each Part is further divided into essays that give a voice to different “perspectives” one should have while reading Shakespeare. For example, one chapter is entitled, “Egyptian Queens and Male Reviewers, Sexism in Antony and Cleopatra”. Another offering is the “homosexual perspective,” in “The Homoerotics of Shakespeare’s Comedies.” My favorite is the piece examining Shakespeare from the “African-American perspective” in the essay, “Sexuality and Racial Difference”. This is “open-mindedness” at its extreme. Each of these groups is desperately seeking an identity, and in doing so they must insist that we re-examine the greatest works of literature from their “unique” perspectives.

Well, why? Sure there are a smattering of homosexuals throughout Shakespeare’s canon. Indeed there are a great many characters that may fit the model of a feminist. I think there’s only a handful of black people, though, certainly not enough however to warrant a re-exploration of every word penned by the Bard. There doesn’t seem to be any purpose in such an exercise other than for the writers and the poor Ivy League students subjected to their “intellectual investigations” to parade around and tell everyone how “open-minded” they are.

Or are they? I wonder what would happen if someone published a book called “Modern Criticisms of Saul Bellows – The Nazi Perspective.” Perhaps a manuscript entitled, “Maya Angelou – What the KKK has to Say.” Or a volume called, “Virginia Woolf Through the Eyes of a Big Fat Redneck Who Sits on the Couch and Orders His Wife to Bring Him Another Pabst Blue Ribbon.” The authors of these seminal works, in addition to being dragged out of their houses and shot in the middle of the street, would most likely be labeled “Judgmental.”

And it gets worse. Recently, “The Honeymooners”, a classic American TV show was remade into a movie with an all black cast. Open-minded. How about an all-white “The Jeffersons?” Racist. A version of the Odd Couple in which Felix and Oscar turn out to be homosexual lovers? Open-minded. A made-for-TV movie that depicted Adolf Hitler in his carefree youth in Linz, Austria? Anti-Semitic.

So I’ve decided that the next time someone, friend or not, tells me that I’m not being open-minded, I’m going to tell him, “I’m open-minded to the truth, but stupidity is going to need a locksmith.”

Or something equally as opinionated.

Hypocritical Mortals.