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Showing posts from October, 2005

Tis Ths Season To Be Phony

While listening to the radio the other day (more specifically, the Dan Patrick Show -- gotta love that hair) I heard an advertisement for something called the American Express Gift Card. Beneath the whimsy, the ad claimed that during the “holiday season” (which I suppose now begins as Halloween), people should give gifts to their friends, family, and co-workers in the form of something they actually want. Therefore, claims the voiceover, one should give American Express Gift Cards, which can be used at any of the thousands of places that take American Express.

My first thought was typically cynical. A person who gives such a gift is blatantly admitting that they haven’t clue one as to what sorts of things their friends and family are interested in. A card with a gift certificate inside practically screams:

“I don’t want to appear inconsiderate, so here’s a bunch of money that you can use to buy any consumer product that you wish – products that I would have bought you myself if I wa…

From The City Which Brought You Gladitorial Games

Just a quick update today to prove once and for all that I’m not overtly biased towards American frailties and idiocy. Responding directly to the Damocles-like threat of the Avian Flu, the every-growing population of homicidal maniacs who blow up bus stations in the name of their invisible deity, and other such pressing global concerns, Italy stepped up to the plate and nailed a two-run blast of utter stupidity that will resonate with cynics and entropy fans everywhere.

In their first stunning legislative action, the city of Rome banned fishbowls. That’s right, the home of Vestal Virgins, Fiddle-Playing Emperors, and Vomitoriums, has finally put an end to the centuries-old torture of brainless aquatic sea life by making it a crime to keep goldfish in round bowls. It’s not illegal to eat fish, mind you, just to keep them in bowls of water. Animal rights activists certainly know how to split hairs, don’t they? In the words of animal lover and city council member behind the law Monica Cir…

This Is What Happens When You Don't Have Premium Cable

And you thought having more than a dozen pairs of shoes made you a shallow, selfish person.

Consider Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, happily married since 1983 and living in Arkansas. Jim Bob is a real estate agent, and his wife, well, “homemaker” doesn’t exactly begin to capture the complexity of her career. “Automated Uterus” is more of an apt title, for you see, The Duggars have 16 children, including two sets of twins.

That’s not a family, that’s a litter.

But the Duggars are as happy as a brood that size can be, and are planning on having even more children, which they consider, “a blessing from the Lord.”

Tonight, your ovaries are mine!The children, whose names pretentiously all start with the letter “J” are awaiting the completion of their 7000 square-foot house, where they will each get their very own 9’ X 9’ cage complete with water bottle and feeding tube. Actually, according to the article, they are to be housed “dormitory style, which I can only imagine means that they will sleep…

Next Up On ESPN2, Full Contact Go Fish and Extreme Juggling!

As much as I take pleasure in deconstructing the news articles of the day, it’s important to examine the society that breeds such news in the first place. In order to accomplish this, we need to stick under the microscope those things that have had a momentous impact on the collective unconscious. I’m talking of course of the people and events which humans, and Americans in particular, relish, admire, and worship – in other words, those things that are completely and utterly worthless. I’m not sure exactly why you people insist on idolizing the inane and useless, but idolize you do, to the point of mania. As we are limited by bandwidth, we’ll take a look at only one of these sacred cows at this time, and carve it into delicious, bloody bite-sized pieces.

I’ll be talking today about Non-Competitive Sports.

As far as I am concerned, there are only three true sporting activities that exist on your planet: Baseball, Football, and Basketball. I could extend the parameters and include Hockey …

On Whom Is Al Sharpton Going To Blame This One?

Kind of puts everything into perspective. What's more devastating: 20,000 people being crushed to death because a hole opened up in the Earth, or 1,000 drowning because they moved into a city 10 feet below sea level?

I'm just waiting for the inevitable looting. Walmarts in Pakistan carry Heineken and Nike, don't they?

If only John Kerry were president, this would have never have happened!The fact that so many people are dying due to natural disasters points to one undeniable truth, and it has absolutely nothing to do with Global Warming, Republicans, or Terrorists: There are too many damn people on your planet. As of July 2005, there are 6,446,131,400 of you creatures scurrying around on the third rock, and that number is growing by about 1.14% a year. That means that by the time the shiny ball drops in Times Square, they'll be 73,485,897 more mewling, whining, complaining mouths to feed and minds to brainwash. In ten years, they'll be a billion fresh new souls for y…