Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Back Of My Neck Feelin' Dirty And Gritty

As I walked outside today to go shopping, I could swear that I dropped 11 pounds through water loss covering the distance from the front entrance of my building to my car. The asphalt in the store's parking lot had melted to the point that the shopping carts had sunk at least a half an inch into the macadam. The “frozen prepared entrees” case had become a haven of refuge for elderly people attempting to find some respite from the heat. By the time I made it back to my apartment, my clothes were dripping with sweat, and since it was too hot to cook, I ate a bowl of ice cream and two Sam Adams Summer Ales for dinner. It's hot. Damn hot. But you know what, it’s August and I expect that. I also expect it to be cold in February. That's how temperate climate zones work.

But you'd think this was a unique and mystifing phenomenon if you turn on the news. Every station, (cable or network), every newspaper, and every internet news site feels the need to devote an unrealistic percentage of their time, space and energy telling us how "dangerously hot" it is outside, and how we should "conserve power" and "drink plenty of fluids." Additionally, "senior citizens should stay inside," no one should "exert unnecessary energy," and instead everyone should find ways to "beat the heat." This of course is follwed by a warning that "opening fire hydrants is a felony and dangerous."

The next five minutes are devoted to informing us of every historical minute fluctuation in temperature since Lord Kelvin wow'ed them at the Royal Academy.

Pardon me, collection of news sources, but is the first time you've ever been to planet Earth? It gets hot EVERY summer and cold EVERY winter. It's not breaking news. It's not even a curiosity. What's next from these purveyors of the obvious?

"Stay tuned at eleven as Ashley McVapid informs our viewers on how they can prepare themseves for tomorrow's upcoming sunrise! Tips and tricks you won't want to miss!"

Fox News NY even went so far as to post this map on its website yesterday:



What is that, a chart of the geographical distribution of homosexuals in the tristate area? What are they trying to tell us? That every possible location in which people dwell is going to be a mix of fuchsia and terra cotta with a slight chance of vermilion in Trenton?

As I was struggling with my purchases in the elevator, a random tenant of the building, whom I did not know held the door for me. After I had selected my floor, he turns to me and makes the same inane comment that has been flowing freely off the lips of every idiot to the ears of complete strangers everywhere (under the guise of making small talk) ever since Paleolithic man evolved the capacity to speak:

"So, hot enough for ya?"

I coolly (ha!) responded, "Yeah, I feel as if Lucifer himself anally raped me with his infernal trident."

Blessed silence prevailed.

Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued Dark throughout the evening, with a hundred percent chance of Bright by morning.



3 Comments:

Blogger Moni said...

This is hilarious! I got asked to do a public service announcement pertaining to the dangers of high temperatures and the effects it has on people with respiratory problems. It aired today on a tiny local radio station.

I would post it, but the interviewer mentions my name and where I work.

What are the odds eh?! Just thought you might like to know. I must go now and stick my head in the freezer.

Thursday, August 03, 2006 6:58:00 PM  
Blogger Valannin said...

Just stick a bag of frozen vegetable medley down your pants like I've been doing. It's cooler than sticking your head in the freezer, and it saves you the troublesome time of having to defrost something for dinner.

Thursday, August 03, 2006 7:03:00 PM  
Blogger Moni said...

Now THAT would be some crotch pot cooking.

Sorry, although it was unladylike of me to say, I couldn't resist.

Have a great weekend. :)

Friday, August 04, 2006 8:09:00 AM  

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