Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Second Verse, Same As The First

In addition to being immortal, I have also been blessed with the gift of foresight, which comes in handy on Lottery Night, The Kentucky Derby, and the four hundred college bowl games which all seem to be sponsored by auto parts manufacturers. However, I decided long ago that I would be using my powers of divining the future for the good of the general public and not for monetary gain.

That being said, let me reveal to you now what will occur shortly after Hurricane Rita slams into the Gulf Coast with deadly, sardonic precision:

Prediction #1: 100 million people will blame the imminent destruction on the President of the United States. 10 million of them will go on to narrow down the blame to his refusal to sign the Kyoto Treaty. At least 100 of them will be celebrities who throw cell phones at their assistants when they fail to provide enough backstage bottled water.

Prediction #2: Stubborn, ignorant townies will refuse to leave their swampland residences, and will sit on the porch with a shotgun and bottle of Kentucky Bourbon while scowling at the TV cameras. At least one of them will have painted a poorly spelled message on the roof of his home.

Prediction #3: News media outlets will feature images and stories of the poor, disenfranchised minorities struggling through the hip-deep deluge with their 11 children, six dogs and three TV sets juxtaposed with images of the very same minorities throwing trash cans through store windows in order to liberate essential survival paraphernalia such as six pairs of Nike sneakers and cases of Miller High Life longnecks.

Prediction #4: Someone will mention what a great job the volunteers from the New York Fire Department are doing without musing on the fact that there are at least a dozen cities within walking distance of the affected areas that should be sending their own emergency workers.

Prediction #5: Sean Penn, after leaping over stagnant floodwaters to save a six month old baby, will be killed and eaten by residents of Gretna, Louisiana. Not so much of a prediction as it is an example of my wishful thinking.

Prediction #6: Cindy Sheehan will immolate herself on the Great Lawn in hopes of diverting media attention toward the more pressing concern of giving her more media attention.

Prediction #7: Every single website on Earth will feature a “Donate to the Red Cross” link. Except this one. Simple-minded people across the globe will also rush out and buy orange rubber bracelets, or whatever particular hue denotes natural disasters.

Prediction #8: Fox News will feature a series of probing exposés on every single hurricane to hit the planet since Noah was a nerdy teenager building ships in bottles.

Prediction #9: Someone who plays golf with the Vice President will get fired.

Prediction #10: Unusually large numbers of stupid people will mention that the war in Iraq prevents National Guard troops from making an adequate response to the disaster. 24 hours later, the very same people will complain that the hurricane site looks like a “warzone”, with all of the military presence. Hillary Clinton will threaten to destroy Washington D.C. with her high frequency screeching if the government doesn’t immediately launch an independent investigation.

Prediction #11: One or more persons will be arrested for falsifying their identites as “evacuees” in order to garner FEMA checks. The real evacuees will be spending their FEMA checks on steak, CD’s and new shoes that they haven’t already stolen. At least one news anchor will refer to a German Shepherd as a “hero.”

Prediction #12: I will write at least three more scathing articles concerning the aura of stupidity that seems to insinuate itself every time something “tragic” happens on a scale larger a 6 MPH fender-bender.

And that’s assuming Hurricane Rita has half the moxie of her cousin, Katrina. If not, then you can be sure of at least 100 headlines proclaiming how wonderful it was that god has spared the U.S.

Until the next time he gets drunk and loses a bet.

You heard it here first, Mortals.

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