Tuesday, October 25, 2005

From The City Which Brought You Gladitorial Games

Just a quick update today to prove once and for all that I’m not overtly biased towards American frailties and idiocy. Responding directly to the Damocles-like threat of the Avian Flu, the every-growing population of homicidal maniacs who blow up bus stations in the name of their invisible deity, and other such pressing global concerns, Italy stepped up to the plate and nailed a two-run blast of utter stupidity that will resonate with cynics and entropy fans everywhere.

In their first stunning legislative action, the city of Rome banned fishbowls. That’s right, the home of Vestal Virgins, Fiddle-Playing Emperors, and Vomitoriums, has finally put an end to the centuries-old torture of brainless aquatic sea life by making it a crime to keep goldfish in round bowls. It’s not illegal to eat fish, mind you, just to keep them in bowls of water. Animal rights activists certainly know how to split hairs, don’t they? In the words of animal lover and city council member behind the law Monica Cirinna, “It’s good to do whatever we can for our animals who, in exchange for a little love, fill our existence with their attention.” Do you get the feeling that Monica Cirinna needs some attention from someone other than her goldfish?

"Nobody knows the troubles I've seen..."

Earlier in the year, the city of Turin, home of the world’s largest stained bed sheet, had instituted a $600 fine for anyone who didn’t walk his or her dog at least three times a day, also in the name of animal rights. If you thought Meter Maids were the most overbearing law enforcement officials on earth, then consider who exactly would be enforcing the new measure. Not to be outdone by their progressive neighbor, Rome passed a similar law that would also assign jail time to any person caught abandoning a cat or dog. Ironically, abandoning goldfish is not mentioned in the new statute. However, the law would also provide “legal recognition for cat lovers who provide food for the colonies of strays which live everywhere…” I can only assume that such recognition would come in the form of a tasty, tuna-flavored treat followed by a lengthy scratch behind the ears.

While thousands are recovering from devastating natural disasters like hurricanes and earthquakes, while thousands more are being mercilessly killed by brainwashed terrorists clinging to archaic superstitions, while perpetually totalitarian states move towards the annihilation of all that is decent, the world can rely on Italy to put it all into perspective.

Free the goldfish, and the world will follow.


Blogger Moni said...

It's one mucked up world. :(

Thursday, October 27, 2005 8:24:00 PM  

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