Skip to main content

From The City Which Brought You Gladitorial Games

Just a quick update today to prove once and for all that I’m not overtly biased towards American frailties and idiocy. Responding directly to the Damocles-like threat of the Avian Flu, the every-growing population of homicidal maniacs who blow up bus stations in the name of their invisible deity, and other such pressing global concerns, Italy stepped up to the plate and nailed a two-run blast of utter stupidity that will resonate with cynics and entropy fans everywhere.

In their first stunning legislative action, the city of Rome banned fishbowls. That’s right, the home of Vestal Virgins, Fiddle-Playing Emperors, and Vomitoriums, has finally put an end to the centuries-old torture of brainless aquatic sea life by making it a crime to keep goldfish in round bowls. It’s not illegal to eat fish, mind you, just to keep them in bowls of water. Animal rights activists certainly know how to split hairs, don’t they? In the words of animal lover and city council member behind the law Monica Cirinna, “It’s good to do whatever we can for our animals who, in exchange for a little love, fill our existence with their attention.” Do you get the feeling that Monica Cirinna needs some attention from someone other than her goldfish?

"Nobody knows the troubles I've seen..."

Earlier in the year, the city of Turin, home of the world’s largest stained bed sheet, had instituted a $600 fine for anyone who didn’t walk his or her dog at least three times a day, also in the name of animal rights. If you thought Meter Maids were the most overbearing law enforcement officials on earth, then consider who exactly would be enforcing the new measure. Not to be outdone by their progressive neighbor, Rome passed a similar law that would also assign jail time to any person caught abandoning a cat or dog. Ironically, abandoning goldfish is not mentioned in the new statute. However, the law would also provide “legal recognition for cat lovers who provide food for the colonies of strays which live everywhere…” I can only assume that such recognition would come in the form of a tasty, tuna-flavored treat followed by a lengthy scratch behind the ears.

While thousands are recovering from devastating natural disasters like hurricanes and earthquakes, while thousands more are being mercilessly killed by brainwashed terrorists clinging to archaic superstitions, while perpetually totalitarian states move towards the annihilation of all that is decent, the world can rely on Italy to put it all into perspective.

Free the goldfish, and the world will follow.


Moni said…
It's one mucked up world. :(

Popular posts from this blog

All empty souls tend toward extreme opinions (W. B. Yeats)

Something occurred to me as I was having a conversation with a friend today, (she’s definitely one of the Outcast by the way), when she mentioned that I wasn’t very “open-minded.” The phrase “open-minded” is perhaps the most aggravating and deceptive American axioms ever invented. Why? Because it’s a trap. The only reason people see others as not “open-minded” is because they are not in agreement about a particular subject. If someone says, “I don’t think the U.S. ever put a man on the moon,” I’d disagree, because there’s tons of evidence to the contrary. But then I’d be met with the dreaded “you need to be more open-minded!” Well, shouldn’t they have the same level of open-mindedness? Of course not. Because in their lexicon, “open-minded” means “believing any old bit of nonsense as long as it goes against tradition.” Cold, hard facts scare these people, so they hide behind the gilded shield of “opinions.”

To be honest, I don’t believe there are any such things as opinions. There are f…

Reason # 1147 To Enroll Your Kids In Private School

Here's a brief story I'd like to relate while it's still fresh in my mind; typically, my articles are 3-4 pages, and quite frankly, it's far too hot to create such a magnum opus tonight. So, I offer you an ultra-condensed version of a disturbing event which took place this past Friday.
Actually, to set the stage, we have to go back to the previous Friday, when the Superintendent of our District happened to be visiting our school. To explain why he was there, I'd have to go over the one-page cap I've set for myself for this article, so suffice it to say that he was trying to do in late May what he should have been doing all year long – namely, his job.
While he is visiting, a student decides it would be a real hoot to throw a glass bottle out of a third-floor classroom window. And since the universe is not without a sense of humor, the bottle travels along a trajectory which terminates at the windshield of a brand-new car parked on the street outside. A car t…