Skip to main content

From The City Which Brought You Gladitorial Games

Just a quick update today to prove once and for all that I’m not overtly biased towards American frailties and idiocy. Responding directly to the Damocles-like threat of the Avian Flu, the every-growing population of homicidal maniacs who blow up bus stations in the name of their invisible deity, and other such pressing global concerns, Italy stepped up to the plate and nailed a two-run blast of utter stupidity that will resonate with cynics and entropy fans everywhere.

In their first stunning legislative action, the city of Rome banned fishbowls. That’s right, the home of Vestal Virgins, Fiddle-Playing Emperors, and Vomitoriums, has finally put an end to the centuries-old torture of brainless aquatic sea life by making it a crime to keep goldfish in round bowls. It’s not illegal to eat fish, mind you, just to keep them in bowls of water. Animal rights activists certainly know how to split hairs, don’t they? In the words of animal lover and city council member behind the law Monica Cirinna, “It’s good to do whatever we can for our animals who, in exchange for a little love, fill our existence with their attention.” Do you get the feeling that Monica Cirinna needs some attention from someone other than her goldfish?


"Nobody knows the troubles I've seen..."

Earlier in the year, the city of Turin, home of the world’s largest stained bed sheet, had instituted a $600 fine for anyone who didn’t walk his or her dog at least three times a day, also in the name of animal rights. If you thought Meter Maids were the most overbearing law enforcement officials on earth, then consider who exactly would be enforcing the new measure. Not to be outdone by their progressive neighbor, Rome passed a similar law that would also assign jail time to any person caught abandoning a cat or dog. Ironically, abandoning goldfish is not mentioned in the new statute. However, the law would also provide “legal recognition for cat lovers who provide food for the colonies of strays which live everywhere…” I can only assume that such recognition would come in the form of a tasty, tuna-flavored treat followed by a lengthy scratch behind the ears.

While thousands are recovering from devastating natural disasters like hurricanes and earthquakes, while thousands more are being mercilessly killed by brainwashed terrorists clinging to archaic superstitions, while perpetually totalitarian states move towards the annihilation of all that is decent, the world can rely on Italy to put it all into perspective.

Free the goldfish, and the world will follow.

Comments

Moni said…
It's one mucked up world. :(
Thursday, October 27, 2005 8:24:00 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol - An Amazon Review

Even though I haven't been updating this blog in, oh, two years, I figured I'd sign in and add this review I did for Dan Brown's latest "epic" novel, The Lost Symbol. I've actually read every book by Mr. Brown, simply because I, as a writer, wanted to get a glimpse inside the mind of a man who managed to sell 80 million copies of a book which, quite frankly, wasn't very good. I'm talking about The Da Vinci Code, which, despite being the furthest thing from "literature," was somewhat entertaining. So I downloaded the rest of his catalog and read them over the course of a few days. When I finished, I raised my hands in absolute puzzlement, and exclaimed, "Eh?" Quite simply, Brown is probably the richest, least talented author working today for reasons I cannot fathom. He, much like writer Dean Koontz, director Michael Bay, and rock band Nickelback, has simply released the exact same work over and over again, changing only the ti...
8 comments
Read more

Spotlight on: Anonymous Abu Ali Al-Muhammad Ibn Al-Rahman

The intent of starting this series of alcohol-fueled diatribes was to initiate some intellectual discussion, and for the most part, I've received those in the form of one-line comments ("you suck" or "you're a nutjob") or emails suggesting that I perform a reverse bowel movement with my keyboard. However, the one-man-furor over a recent post (resuting in 15 or so anonymous comments) has prompted me to respond with this article, rather than keep expanding the comment thread. If you'd like to read the entire exchange, point your clicky thingy here . In any case, here's my response to Mr. Anonymous (if that is in fact his real name) concerning the "achievements" of the Muslim world in both a modern and historical context: "What I find most interesting, despite your obvious verbosity, and penchant for intelligent discourse, is that you keep refering to these ancient scientists as "Arabic". If we are to use your terms, then yes, ...
23 comments
Read more

The Tenth Crusade

In case you've been living with your head under the pillows, the past week or so has seen what this humble writer is declaring to be the end of Western Civilization as we know it. Cartoons published five months ago depicting the "prophet" Mohammed wearing a bomb as a turban has incited bloody, destructive riots throughout the civilized world by some very uncivlilzed people. "Islam is peaceful," the protestors claim, "and if you don't believe us, we'll burn down your cities." I'm already having the T-shirts made... Anyone with a keyboard and internet access has already commented on the atrocities of the Muslim world, and I see no reason to beat a dead camel with my own pontifications. Suffice it to say that 175 million people practice the "religion" of Islam, and those 175 million are the direct cause of the slow collapse of the last vestiges of the complex European empire. As birth rates in Europe continue to level out and even f...
20 comments
Read more