Skip to main content

Stand Clear Of The Closing Doors, Please.

Welcome back to another fun-filled hour of “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?!” - the game show that makes you want to sell all your worldly possessions, hop on a plane to Rarotonga and spend the rest of your life cultivating taro with the locals in utter silent reflection that America is completely and unconditionally lost.

Here’s how it works, sports fans. First, read this article from the NY Daily News. Ok? Done? Great. Now, count the statements which made you want nothing more than to claw your own eyes out with rusty, pitted gynecological tools. Did you get six? No? Well then, you’re either an ultra-liberal, bleeding heart or a complete and utter moron. Sorry, you lose; get back there in the pits with the rest of the blind, mindless automatons.

For those of you playing the home version of the game, here’s the correct answers:

1) The Federal Government, you know, the group to which you pay upwards of 30% of your salary every year, is giving half a million dollars to the MTA, a privately held company, to assist them in installing fences along their train tracks. Why?

2) Because two weeks ago a 13 year old boy was hit and killed by an eastbound LIRR passenger train. Tragedy? Hardly. Seems young Ari Kraft was spray-painting the train signals at the time and dashed across the tracks directly into the oncoming train. I, for one, think this is the best disciplinary initiative since the “Three Strikes Law,” and it behooves us as civilized people to follow it to its logical conclusion. Graffiti, made popular by “urban culture” (read: thugs, criminals and society’s bottom-feeders) is nothing but a blight on our landscape, and for years those who choose to desecrate public edifices with their juvenile scribblings were merely fined a few dollars or a couple of hours of community service (ironically, removing graffiti). The recidivism rate for vandalism would drop incalculably if, instead of fines, we shove all graffiti “artists” directly in front of the Number 6 Bronx Local.

3) As if this wasn’t a ruinous enough waste of taxpayer dollars, Rep. Anthony Weiner (a Democratic Congressman from Queens. Did I mention that he’s a Democrat?) is planning on proposing something he has creatively dubbed “Ari’s Law”, which would earmark $20 million (once again, of your hard-earned dollars) to “securing tracks around homes and schools.” We already had something like that when I was younger, Mr. Weiner; it was called “parents.”

4) The Executive Director of the MTA chimed in on the non-event saying that it was “incumbent upon the MTA to take as much preventative action as we can.” I don’t know, those “Authorized Personnel Only” and “Danger” signs, not to mention the flashing lights and 200 ton steel projectiles moving at 55 miles an hour seem like warning enough to me.

5) Another Democratic representative, “Councilman” Eric Gioia (did I mention that he’s a Democrat, too?) threw his two cents into this three-ring circus, saying that he has known for some time about the “problem areas” of the MTA, but declined to share them with the public because that might be giving a “road map to terrorists.” Terrorists! Only in America can a city official completely fail to do the only job for which he was elected, namely protecting the safety and interests of his constituents, and rationalize that failure by invoking the malevolent appellation of “terrorists.”

6) Number six is a bit of a stretch, so bear with me. If you read the original news report, you will discover that Ari Kraft, prior to his encounter with the Huntington Rush Hour Express, had recently celebrated his Bar Mitzvah. Hmm. And following his death, who is there to fleece the taxpayers? Why it’s Anthony Weiner, one of The Jewish Daily Forward’s 50 most influential Jewish Americans. The same guy who said that it was “not the place of the Department of Health to be deciding on religious practices,” referring to an 2005 investigation into a Rabbi who may have transmitted herpes to three infants during the ritualistic oral suction of the circumcision wound. Color me suspicious, but do you honestly think that anyone would give a shit if “Devon Jones” or "Tyriq Williams” had been hit by that train? I submit that, no, they would not. Politicians in New York only become concerned about black people who have been shot by the police more than twice.

Look, out of all the ways to die, being hit by a train is the only one where it 99.99% the victim’s fault. Trains don’t come careening around an intersection or sneak up on people in the darkness. They are deafeningly loud, they are brightly lit, and most of all, they ride on two fucking rails which are fixed in place. If you don’t want to get hit by a train, stay the hell off the tracks, it’s that simple. The fact that two elected officials should squander millions of taxpayers’ dollars simply because a spoiled, dim-witted vandal was too busy breaking and entering, trespassing and vandalizing private property to notice the speeding train bearing down on him should be enough to make you sick.

And if that doesn’t, then consider the fact that Rabbis routinely go down on infant boys as part of a “religious ceremony”, and yet it’s the Catholic priests who are vilified. At least they have the self-control to wait a couple of years.

I’m going to get letters on this one, I can just feel it.


Scott said…
I can express any more outrage than you already have, but it kills me to read that we are wasting our money protecting criminals from getting killed while perpetrating a crime. I say throw politicians who propose such mind numbingly stupid legislation in front of the Number 6 Bronx Local. Perhaps its time for a secret society of enforcers.

As for the rabbis and their ceremonies, it may be a stretch to say they are going down on the children, but I would say that modern times call for evolved procedures. That is just a little bit creepy.
Scott said…
Oh, and good to see you back.
Valannin said…
It's good to be back, Scott. And you're 100% right; this country would benefit from a secret society of enforcers of the truth, of justice, and of other comic-book-related virtues. I think my avatar would look damn cool on black leather breatplate, wouldn't you say? I'll count you in when I muster the troops...
Scott said…
True dat. That would be a great society emblem. Instead of organized crime, it could be called organized resistance. I'm pretty sure the society would be applauded.

Popular posts from this blog

All empty souls tend toward extreme opinions (W. B. Yeats)

Something occurred to me as I was having a conversation with a friend today, (she’s definitely one of the Outcast by the way), when she mentioned that I wasn’t very “open-minded.” The phrase “open-minded” is perhaps the most aggravating and deceptive American axioms ever invented. Why? Because it’s a trap. The only reason people see others as not “open-minded” is because they are not in agreement about a particular subject. If someone says, “I don’t think the U.S. ever put a man on the moon,” I’d disagree, because there’s tons of evidence to the contrary. But then I’d be met with the dreaded “you need to be more open-minded!” Well, shouldn’t they have the same level of open-mindedness? Of course not. Because in their lexicon, “open-minded” means “believing any old bit of nonsense as long as it goes against tradition.” Cold, hard facts scare these people, so they hide behind the gilded shield of “opinions.”

To be honest, I don’t believe there are any such things as opinions. There are f…

Reason # 1147 To Enroll Your Kids In Private School

Here's a brief story I'd like to relate while it's still fresh in my mind; typically, my articles are 3-4 pages, and quite frankly, it's far too hot to create such a magnum opus tonight. So, I offer you an ultra-condensed version of a disturbing event which took place this past Friday.
Actually, to set the stage, we have to go back to the previous Friday, when the Superintendent of our District happened to be visiting our school. To explain why he was there, I'd have to go over the one-page cap I've set for myself for this article, so suffice it to say that he was trying to do in late May what he should have been doing all year long – namely, his job.
While he is visiting, a student decides it would be a real hoot to throw a glass bottle out of a third-floor classroom window. And since the universe is not without a sense of humor, the bottle travels along a trajectory which terminates at the windshield of a brand-new car parked on the street outside. A car t…