It Could Be, It Might Be, It Is! Holy Cow! Jesus Goes 3 for 4!

I haven't updated in a while, mostly because I've been a) working far too much and b) trying to figure out the direction I'm trying to go with these articles. Sure, I can log on and rant against the stupidities of human nature, but to what end? We all know that humans, by and large, are ridiculous, miserable little creatures and their antics, while sometimes amusing, are mostly pathetic and more often than not disturbing. All the data and statistics in the world are completely superfluous to proving this, as one only needs to read the paper or watch the news to discover what sad little puppets humans are.

Before this starts to sound suspiciously like a LiveJournal post, let me point out that I'm not currently wearing a black trenchcoat or listening to My Chemical Romance. Pasty vegans hunched over the keyboard pounding out "gothic" poetry that continually makes use of the "life"-"knife" rhyme scheme are ruining the "rant against humanity" method of pointing out societal ills. Pages full of well-constructed research aren't worth much either, as they can be dry and boring, and moreover, 80% of the world wouldn't understand them anyway. Or they would, but be quick to point out that their individual preferences and beliefs somehow take precedence over common sense anyway.

So what to do? Should I speak in well-intentioned platitudes reeking of pharisaicalness? That would be irresponsible. Plus, that's too many multi-syllabic words. How about cynical musings on events and occurrences that have irked me? No, that's too cliché. How about this: Broad, sweeping generalizations aimed at the facets of our society that the teeming masses worship like a giant, golden iPod. Sounds good for now.

Let’s start with this news article. Seems that a TV station in Willes-Barre, PA is refusing to air the home opener of a minor league baseball team because the game is being played on Good Friday. Apparently, due to “pressure from the Catholic community”, the station feels that “Good Friday is not an appropriate day for us to do that.”

Huh? It’s baseball. The American pastime. What the hell is wrong with showing a baseball game on TV during a religious holiday in a country founded by Christians? Is there something about the Wilkes-Barre Red Barons which undermines the Christian ideal? Do they sacrifice virgins to Beelzebub during the seventh inning stretch? Is their mascot a caricature of Longinus? Is the team owned by Anton LaVey? What in Christ’s name is so wrong with watching baseball on Good Friday? Should people sit around flagellating themselves while mumbling the rosary?

Look at that...no batting gloves. Jesus was old-school.

What makes this even more bizarre is that the station, in place of the baseball game, is going to show Inside Edition (a program that alerts the public to developments into the life of spoiled pseudo-celebrity Paris Hilton, namely, on whom she currently performing oral sex), Extreme Makeover (where undeserving dimwits get new storm windows installed by people far too attractive to be carpenters) , followed by an interview with Tom Cruise (the diminutive actor who leaps on couches and believes that the earth was created by an alien named Xenu). A wholesome sport like baseball is banned from the airwaves on Good Friday, but the Seven Deadly Sins-athon featuring Vanity, Greed, and Lust is just peachy keen according to the program director of WNEP. Nine innings of strike-outs and sac-flies would shake the foundations of the Catholic Church, but an interview with a man who impregnated a woman he wasn’t married to and who worships a false idol is perfectly acceptable?

Which brings me to this week’s broad, sweeping generalization:

The population of Wilkes-Barre, PA is composed entirely of bloody morons.

Yeah. That works.

No baseball on Good Friday. What horseshit. Baseball permeates the Bible, for Christ’s sake. Peter denied Jesus three times before being sent to the showers. Then Jesus took one for the team, sending the Disciples to the post-season against their cross-town rival, the Yankees. I mean, the Devil.

And, if you examine it closely, even the first line of the Bible mentions baseball:

“In the Big Inning…”