The Pantheon Outcast

I haven't updated in a while, mostly because I've been a) working far too much and b) trying to figure out the direction I'm trying to go with these articles. Sure, I can log on and rant against the stupidities of human nature, but to what end? We all know that humans, by and large, are ridiculous, miserable little creatures and their antics, while sometimes amusing, are mostly pathetic and more often than not disturbing. All the data and statistics in the world are completely superfluous to proving this, as one only needs to read the paper or watch the news to discover what sad little puppets humans are. Before this starts to sound suspiciously like a LiveJournal post, let me point out that I'm not currently wearing a black trenchcoat or listening to My Chemical Romance. Pasty vegans hunched over the keyboard pounding out "gothic" poetry that continually makes use of the "life"-"knife" rhyme scheme are ruining the "rant against humani...

Suprisingly, I'm not going to mention the Oscars. I bet you thought I'd have something to say on the topic, but frankly, I just didn't care. As I saw a grand total of "zero" of the movies that had been nominated, I figured it was a waste of my time to watch a three-hour award show filled with self-congratulatory praise, smarmy, off-handed political commentary and in-jokes that end up falling flat but still eliciting a polite titter from the self-proclaimed royalty of America. All I know is that Best Picture was won by a movie that less that .135% of the world bought a ticket to see and Best Song went to a bunch of thugs whose members include an individual named "Crunchy Blac", (whose previous hits included "Where da Cheese At?" and "Knock the Black off yo Ass") and subsequently is the only Oscar-winning song in the history of the Academy to include the phrase, "Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit." Who said art is...

Just to switch gears a bit from the impending bloody global battles that will soon be fought by armies clashing over whose invisible man is more worthy of exaltation, I thought I'd offer a stirring example of how the very foundations of American culture are quickly and forever being eroded into dust. I only hope the grammar police don't cite me for the previous quasi-run-on sentence or my indiscriminate use of "hyphenate modifiers." Last Friday, a group of students from the Holly Academy in Central Michigan was visiting the Detroit Institute of Arts , when one of the "next generation of educated adults" , weaned on a diet of overindulgence by his Gen-X parents, decided that a 1963 abstract painting by Helen Frankenthaler was the perfect place on which to park his moist wad of masticated Wrigley's. The painting, entitled, "The Bay" is valued at about a $1.5 million dollars and will need to undergo two weeks of delicate restoration to remove t...

The intent of starting this series of alcohol-fueled diatribes was to initiate some intellectual discussion, and for the most part, I've received those in the form of one-line comments ("you suck" or "you're a nutjob") or emails suggesting that I perform a reverse bowel movement with my keyboard. However, the one-man-furor over a recent post (resuting in 15 or so anonymous comments) has prompted me to respond with this article, rather than keep expanding the comment thread. If you'd like to read the entire exchange, point your clicky thingy here . In any case, here's my response to Mr. Anonymous (if that is in fact his real name) concerning the "achievements" of the Muslim world in both a modern and historical context: "What I find most interesting, despite your obvious verbosity, and penchant for intelligent discourse, is that you keep refering to these ancient scientists as "Arabic". If we are to use your terms, then yes, ...

Forgive me, but this may just be the greatest straight set-up line in the history of the written word: Chinese Couples Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Each Other Ah, now for the punchline... ...ah screw it, if you can't see what's so "wet your pants" funny about this one, you're just as doomed at the rest of the world. It appears as though your machinations have begun, Mr. Khrushchev. You can put the shoe down now...

In case you've been living with your head under the pillows, the past week or so has seen what this humble writer is declaring to be the end of Western Civilization as we know it. Cartoons published five months ago depicting the "prophet" Mohammed wearing a bomb as a turban has incited bloody, destructive riots throughout the civilized world by some very uncivlilzed people. "Islam is peaceful," the protestors claim, "and if you don't believe us, we'll burn down your cities." I'm already having the T-shirts made... Anyone with a keyboard and internet access has already commented on the atrocities of the Muslim world, and I see no reason to beat a dead camel with my own pontifications. Suffice it to say that 175 million people practice the "religion" of Islam, and those 175 million are the direct cause of the slow collapse of the last vestiges of the complex European empire. As birth rates in Europe continue to level out and even f...

It's not that there isn't anything exciting happening in the world; i'm just being lazy. Sure, there are plenty of events taking place that I could and should be commenting on, but I'd much rather while away the time cleaning out my closets or alphabetizing my spices. I guess there comes a time in every deity's life that he must attend to the mundane. So I'll keep this short, so I can go back to the arduous task of throwing out the Chinese food leftovers that have taken up residence in my refrigerator. Speaking of uninvited guests, it seems that Ariel Sharon's recent stroke was actually a divine punishment from god, according to Pat Robinson, consummate nutcase, er, Christian fundamentalist. In asking around, I discovered that Mr. Sharon's stroke was actually retribution from Poseidon, not Yahweh, for failing to install a low-flow toilet in his college apartment. Hmm...what else. Oh, right, Howard Stern is finally back on the air on Sirius satellite radi...

I apologize in advance for the complete dryness of this update, but some things just need to be said. Today marks the second day of a holiday called "Kwanzaa", which, ostensibly, is based on some African Harvest ritual and involves lighting candles a la Hanukah (in fact the candle holder looks suspiciously like a Menorah) We have seen in many examples -- BET, Black Miss America, the recent movie version of The Honeymooners -- that Black America is trying its darndest to carve out its own little culture trench by being completely subversive to the rest of the country. And I don't mean blowing up bus stations or any other militant actions, but they certainly aren't making any effort to either assimilate themselves into the society or contribute something more culturally significant than 50 Cent. I’m sorry, but Black music died with Ray Charles. As far as I can tell, Kwanzaa is one of those holidays that only appeals to blacks who are really down with the whole “back to ...

Considering 2.1 billion people in the world identify themselves as Christians -- in America alone there are 151 million Christians, a group comprising 76.5 % of the total U.S. population , -- I'd like to take this time to wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas. Forget Hanukkah, Ramadan, Diwali, and that phony-baloney holiday invented by a convicted felon, Kwanzaa. The population of New York City is larger than the total population of all other religious groups in America combined . When you other guys show up with the sheer numbers then we’ll talk about incorporating you into the culture, but until then, majority rules, at least in the States. In the meantime, Merry Christmas, and if you don’t like it, go move to Russia.

If this were a Livejournal account, and I was a pockmarked teenager who shopped at Hot Topic, I’d call this piece a rant. But because I can hammer together meaningful sentences without resorting to the use of the word “random,” I’ll simply call this an observation: Are black Americans off their rocker? And I don’t mean that in any xenophobic, white supremacist way, but, really, what the hell is happening to you people out there in Afro-land? Read this article from MSNBC and do a quick scan for the phrase “Disappointment from the NAACP.” Ok? You didn’t read the entire article, did you? Dying to know what the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is “disappointed” about? That Gov. Schwarzenegger has denied clemency for Stanley “Tookie” Williams. In case you’ve been out of touch with the world around you for the past 30 years or so, here’s a rundown on the life and times of Stanley Williams. He's a complicated man, but no one understands him but his woman... Wil...

I remember my grammar school days fondly – the rote memorization, the diagramming of sentences, the hours of hours of pointless, mind numbing, spirit crushing mathematics exercises that were forced upon us ever since we were old enough to hold a pencil without jabbing ourselves in the eye – it’s times like that which make a person look back and wonder why more students didn’t strap on an Uzi and go gunning for the assistant principal. In retrospect though the answer was quite simple: we were a generation that respected the authority of the school. If a teacher told us to quit talking, we did, immediately and without question. We didn’t flip her the bird, mutter under our breath, or stand defiantly in her face and tell her to perform a reverse bowel movement with her ruler. One reason for our tacit acceptance of the ruling class in school was the fact that teachers were an extension of our parents – Mom and Dad expected us to succeed academically, and disappointing the teachers was, in ...

As much as I’d like to keep my posts as impersonal as possible, I thought I might make a much-needed update by recounting a recent experience I had with Home Depot. About a month ago, I visited the DIY mecca intent on purchasing new carpeting for my home. As obsessive about most things as I am, when it comes to shopping for consumer products, I’m a pretty easygoing shopper; I see a product that I want to buy, I buy it. I don’t need 11 weeks to think it over – people who spend inordinate amounts of time hemming and hawing over which blender they should take home will ultimately be left with unresolved feelings of despair and frustration as they realize that Amazon.com alone offers 1,555 different models of blenders. Americans have far too many choices nowadays, and that’s probably one of the reasons everyone is sucking back pharmaceuticals like they were Skittles. But I digress. After spending about 20 minutes browsing through carpet samples, I picked the one I wanted and attempted to ...

Paris is burning , as it goes, erupting in a stunning display of barbaric behavior by some of the most uncivilized people on the planet. Cars, buildings, small lapdogs and other edifices are being torched by African Muslim immigrants in response to what the rest of the civilized world sees as a non-event. It all began on October 27th, when two teen-age Muslim boys -- a 17-year-old immigrant from Tunisia and a 15-year-old from Mauritania -- were electrocuted when they hid in a high-voltage power substation while trying to avoid a police checkpoint in the northeastern Paris suburb of Clichy-sous-Bois. Why they were running from the police is anybody's guess --mine being that they were actually guilty of some sort of crime. So after their deaths, the "community" of Muslim Africans in Paris decided to take action in the only way their backwards, stone-age culture can possibly respond: By burning and destroying other people's property. As of Sunday, 1,295 cars had been tor...

While listening to the radio the other day (more specifically, the Dan Patrick Show -- gotta love that hair) I heard an advertisement for something called the American Express Gift Card. Beneath the whimsy, the ad claimed that during the “holiday season” (which I suppose now begins as Halloween), people should give gifts to their friends, family, and co-workers in the form of something they actually want. Therefore, claims the voiceover, one should give American Express Gift Cards, which can be used at any of the thousands of places that take American Express. My first thought was typically cynical. A person who gives such a gift is blatantly admitting that they haven’t clue one as to what sorts of things their friends and family are interested in. A card with a gift certificate inside practically screams: “I don’t want to appear inconsiderate, so here’s a bunch of money that you can use to buy any consumer product that you wish – products that I would have bought you myself if I w...

Just a quick update today to prove once and for all that I’m not overtly biased towards American frailties and idiocy. Responding directly to the Damocles-like threat of the Avian Flu, the every-growing population of homicidal maniacs who blow up bus stations in the name of their invisible deity, and other such pressing global concerns, Italy stepped up to the plate and nailed a two-run blast of utter stupidity that will resonate with cynics and entropy fans everywhere. In their first stunning legislative action, the city of Rome banned fishbowls. That’s right, the home of Vestal Virgins, Fiddle-Playing Emperors, and Vomitoriums, has finally put an end to the centuries-old torture of brainless aquatic sea life by making it a crime to keep goldfish in round bowls. It’s not illegal to eat fish, mind you, just to keep them in bowls of water. Animal rights activists certainly know how to split hairs, don’t they? In the words of animal lover and city council member behind the law Monica Ci...

And you thought having more than a dozen pairs of shoes made you a shallow, selfish person. Consider Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar , happily married since 1983 and living in Arkansas. Jim Bob is a real estate agent, and his wife, well, “homemaker” doesn’t exactly begin to capture the complexity of her career. “Automated Uterus” is more of an apt title, for you see, The Duggars have 16 children, including two sets of twins. That’s not a family, that’s a litter. But the Duggars are as happy as a brood that size can be, and are planning on having even more children, which they consider, “a blessing from the Lord.” Tonight, your ovaries are mine! The children, whose names pretentiously all start with the letter “J” are awaiting the completion of their 7000 square-foot house, where they will each get their very own 9’ X 9’ cage complete with water bottle and feeding tube. Actually, according to the article, they are to be housed “dormitory style, which I can only imagine means that they will...

As much as I take pleasure in deconstructing the news articles of the day, it’s important to examine the society that breeds such news in the first place. In order to accomplish this, we need to stick under the microscope those things that have had a momentous impact on the collective unconscious. I’m talking of course of the people and events which humans, and Americans in particular, relish, admire, and worship – in other words, those things that are completely and utterly worthless. I’m not sure exactly why you people insist on idolizing the inane and useless, but idolize you do, to the point of mania. As we are limited by bandwidth, we’ll take a look at only one of these sacred cows at this time, and carve it into delicious, bloody bite-sized pieces. I’ll be talking today about Non-Competitive Sports. As far as I am concerned, there are only three true sporting activities that exist on your planet: Baseball, Football, and Basketball. I could extend the parameters and include Hockey...

Kind of puts everything into perspective. What's more devastating: 20,000 people being crushed to death because a hole opened up in the Earth, or 1,000 drowning because they moved into a city 10 feet below sea level? I'm just waiting for the inevitable looting. Walmarts in Pakistan carry Heineken and Nike, don't they? If only John Kerry were president, this would have never have happened! The fact that so many people are dying due to natural disasters points to one undeniable truth, and it has absolutely nothing to do with Global Warming, Republicans, or Terrorists: There are too many damn people on your planet. As of July 2005 , there are 6,446,131,400 of you creatures scurrying around on the third rock, and that number is growing by about 1.14% a year. That means that by the time the shiny ball drops in Times Square, they'll be 73,485,897 more mewling, whining, complaining mouths to feed and minds to brainwash. In ten years, they'll be a billion fresh new souls ...

Two items have come to my attention in the past couple of hours, and I find it essential to comment on both of them, as they speak volumes about the hypocrisy surrounding the so-called race problem in America. On Thursday, Tennessee State Legislator Stacey Campfield was denied entry into the state’s Black Caucus because he was white. According to Rep. Campfield’s own website , he and the leader of the Caucus, Johnny Shaw, had the follwing exchange: “Back in the spring, I had asked the leader of the black caucus, Johnny Shaw, for a copy of the bylaws. Johnny said he wanted to see a copy of the Republican Caucus bylaws first. I agreed and had a copy sent to him in less than 10 minutes. When my assistant returned from dropping them off, she notified me that Shaw did not want to give me a copy of the bylaws. I called Johnny Shaw back and he said unless I had a court order or attorney general's opinion, he was not going to give me anything.I later asked him again for a copy and was aga...

Why are people afraid of the truth? Is it because it stings like being shot in the spine with Double-O buckshot? Every time I read the papers, it seems that someone has made a factually true statement that ends up “offending” one or more groups of people in America. And these days, everyone belongs to a group. You’ve got your “Minorities”, “Homosexuals,” “Women,” “Physically Challenged,” “One-Legged Left-Handed Bursitis Sufferers,” and the list goes on and on. For some reason, the media likes to refer to any group larger than two people as a “Community," as in “Homosexual community leaders staged a protest today….” In order to make a cogent argument, definitions must first be agreed upon by all parties involved. A community is, as far as I can tell, a group of people living in the same locality and under the same government. Levittown, New York, therefore is a community. People who are attracted to members of the same sex, however, do not share a zip code, only a hobby, and can’t ...